Sunday, June 6, 2010

Or Not....

Someone please help me out here!  OK, I am in therapy AND I am still all over the map.  I obviously need more than therapy.  This is the first time in my life I have been so indecisive, so emotionally bogged down, so lacking in confidence about making the right choice.

Here is all the feedback I have been getting and my interpretations.

1.  Got my first tattoo and love it, feel more connected to the most unconditionally loving person from my childhood.  The rosebush that I dug up from her yard after she died is in full and glorious bloom outside my dining room window.  This is a miracle, peeps, because she was dead three years ago and plucked from her fertile bed and tossed behind a bush where she lay dormant for a full year and then was reborn.  No lie.

She loved little red birds, so I had this one designed in her honor.

Rosebush back from the dead.  Really!

Interpretation.... dead grandma is celebrating my decision to leave EBDland.

2.  Got ignored for two weeks by university when I asked when I might get an official offer and a contract.

Interpretation.... they don't really want me and don't care enough to treat me like a professional person so I should NOT leave EBDland.

3.  Got email from University after 2 weeks with a lame explanation of how long these things take and that they are waiting on enrollment and money before making offers final,  but here are examples of the syllabi and the titles of the texts for the classes.

Interpretation...Oh NO!   By the end of summer they will not be offering me a contract because we all know the world will be ending soon, there is no money and I won't have an income next year so I need to say NO to university and stay in EBDland.

4.  Get an email from principal inviting me to special ed scheduling for next year meetings.  I agree to go, show up, get weird vibe from principal, many hugs and confirmation from fellow teachers that they are relieved I am coming back.  EBDland has been trashed in my absence.

Intepretation.... I am meant to be here, my work is not finished in EBDland.

5.  Sit through said meeting and leave feeling very, very ill.  Take a nap upon arriving home.


6.  Meet with university friend of many years.  He assures me the secretary who sent me the email does not have the whole picture, there will be plenty of work at university, my name is thrown around ( in a good way) all the time, this is what I need to do, many doors and  opportunities will present once I get started.  He went on and on about all the pluses and reminds me of what a wreck I was for the last 2 years in EBDland.

Interpretation.... Get the hell out of EBDland.  Once I let go and fully embrace this next stage in my career lots of good will happen.

7. I attend second scheduling meeting and although I love good teacher banter and had a good time surrounded by my colleagues (who I love so dearly), I left feeling ill and full of memories of how dreadful much of my job was and will continue to be.

Interpretation.... Get the hell out of EBDland... maybe.  I miss the collegiality.  Desperately.

8.  Go to a psychic for a quick 15 minute read (took my new college grad niece for a long reading at her request for one of her graduation presents) and within seconds was told my work is not yet done in special ed.

Interpretation... my first inclination is that I need to go back to EBDland.  But after a few days realize I would still be in special ed at university.

9.  Tell my family I think I am staying in EBDland.  They all gasp.  Some rant, some look very worried, some refuse to speak to me about it.  No one cheered in favor.

Interpretation... those who love me want me sane and safe and clearly believe that cannot happen in EBDland.  I should listen to them because I cannot hear my own self.

10.  Go to therapy.  After much questioning (hard questions were posed, people) and honest answering ensued.  Walked out knowing in my heart I need to write the resignation letter.

Interpretation... I need to commit to one thing or another and I most likely need to embrace a new day dawning, a new career direction.  It is time.

But wait!  Part time at university does not allow for payment into my retirement.  My salary would be so very low.

But wait!  I would have more time to ponder, to explore other options.  Would be exposed to things I don't even know about today.  Would have more flexibility in my schedule to still have coffee and lunch with new dear friends.  Would have time for my own kids that life in EBDland does not allow.  And as my university pal said... it is only part time first semester, maybe second.  Being there will ensure eventual full time work if I want it.

I think what is holding me back is my grief about the loss of my EBDland identity.  18 years is a long time.

I have walked away from other EBDland jobs without looking back.

The difference is I always walked right into another EBDland job.

This is the hardest thing I have ever done.

1 comment:

Although I am dangerously opinionated, I am a flexible thinker and welcome your thoughts.