And Yet Another Adjustment in My Thinking

I spent time with my best fiend, Wayne Dyer, this weekend.  I had to travel an hour each way to class and back so popped him in my CD player and soaked it up.  I like to just blindly pick a CD and pop it in hoping to catch a really pertinent topic.  I caught a good one.  I am a control freak.  Yep.  Big time.  I go into regular anxiety attacks lately as I cannot visualize where this year off and administrator license will lead me, where I will be next fall, what I will be doing to earn a living.  


Just a second.  Excuse me while I go take another xanax.  Can't even blog about it without having an anxiety attack.


OK.  I am back.  Anyway, Wayne tells me to find time to sit in stillness and trust that my Source has a plan and that as soon as I let go, that plan will be there for me.  Like catching a wave.  I listened to that segment 5 times over the weekend.  I feel better.  I realize that by not resigning and instead asking for a leave, I have prolonged the time until my purpose reveals itself.  So, in my mind I have to make adjustments.  I have always pictured myself returning to my district.  I now believe that is not in my future.  It can't be.  


I have been a bit lost lately.  Angry and feeling betrayed by my old leadership, not sure I have it in me to be an administrator, and certainly suffering form power point overload! Really, does every professor have to assign a power point presentation?  You all know me well enough by now.  I am not using power point.  Just because.


And what is up with all this emphasis on portfolios? I have already done three in my career and am quite tired of the whole format.  I have NEVER had a prospective employer even ask about my portfolios let alone actually take the time to look through one.  But this time it needs to be done electronically.  Oh brother!  Hoops, hoops, hoops.  At least none of them are ringed in fire, huh?


On the home front.  


As the mother of two special needs kiddos, I am overwhelmed by the amount of work they are expected to do.  As a teacher I always felt we moved through content way too fast, that the amount of work was too much.  There is no time for stillness, digestion.  Every minute of every school day has to have an academic purpose, and yet we are expected to cover a broader spectrum of interpersonal, parenting, social and technological skills than ever before.  I am overwhelmed by the amount of work my own kids bring home.  Imagine how overwhelmed they feel.


Perhaps what bothers me the most is having to reteach as often as I do.  I have to start from the ground up many times which means pulling out graphic organizers and manipulatives.  But by the end of the day my kids are spent, so the push and pull starts and every weekday evening is fairly unpleasant.  


I am so frustrated that so many people NOT in education are making policies and controlling the purse.  I am increasingly concerned about special education teacher evaluation ... really, the lack of such..., the lack of administrator knowledge and time that would allow for better staff development and program monitoring.  The Dark Side has a strong hold.  And don't get me started on the push for merit pay based on test scores!  What the hell is that all about?


Time to recharge my light saber.