Affirmation and Fanning My Little Flame

I went to visitation for a teacher pal's father. This man was a great guy, fought the fought, lived a full life, and produced one of the best teachers I know.  May he rest in peace.


Since my teacher pal is wildly popular, well loved and a lifelong local gal, going to the visitation necessitated I spend time chit chatting and catching up with my colleagues.  How many times was I asked if I was coming back?  How many times did I say I was uncertain?  What a liar!  I know full well I am not going back.


There.  I said it.  I meant it. I mean it still today.


The content of the chit chat and catching up was affirmation I have made the right decision.  It is the same old crap as when I left.
Only worse.


Many of my pals were scheduled to spend two days in an expensive training for PBIS.  Another fad recipe approach to school wide behavior management.  Check it out if you like. It is simply common sense marketed. Expensive in dollars as well as time.


By now you all know I don't cotton to any recipe (even in my kitchen) excepting Social Thinking as that is truly a gifted program for kids on the spectrum when used appropriately.  This resistance to following a recipe may be a real fault at times.  But it serves me well as a teacher.  I take time to know my kids.  I take time to understand their strengths.  I take time to build meaningful relationships with each of them.  I constantly gather thoughts, opinions, information, theories, strategies, tools, methodologies that might help the kids.


EBD kiddos have a multitude of issues.  Learning, behavioral, self-regulatory, emotional, and comorbidity or mental health issues.  They are not comfortable at school.  They are not comfortable at home.  They are not comfortable with peers.  They are not comfortable in their own skin.


My job is to make them comfortable enough to learn.  We all know that the learner is most effective when they are calm, comfortable, feeling safe, are not in states of deprivation, and believe they can learn.  Manipulating them to conform through points and levels does not make them feel safe. 


Learning is risky business.  


So, back to PBIS.  How does that help the kids on the fringe?  It doesn't.  But, that is what my district has decided to do with stimulus money.


So there is one issue.  Another is that they have yet to figure out what to do with my favorite student of all time.  Director tells principal that he is taking the lead on this one.  HUH?  Where has he been all year?


And another issue is that the district has decided to start a ONE YEAR EBD program in one of the elementary schools.  Really?  I suspect they are just trying to find a place to put my favorite student of all time for the one year remaining before middle school.  They don't know what they are calling this program, what its purpose will be and who it will serve.


I could go on and on.  I will spare you.  Bottom line is that we are victims of very poor management.  The mediocre top keeps recruiting and promoting the mediocre underlings to join them downtown.  Mediocrity breeds mediocrity but that mediocrity expects perfection from teachers and students per high stakes testing scores.


Too much wrong, too late in the game, too many kids being left behind.  Public schools aren't any longer what they were intended to be.  I, for one, am not going to let them go down without a huge fight.  We can do this, people  We can make public schools what they should be.  We can. 


We have to.

Out Of The Mouth Of A Retired (Thank God) Teacher

A retired teacher I know as an acquaintance threw her two cents at me when I said I was going to run for the school board once I resign from my teaching position.  


Here is what came out of her mouth and I was rendered speechless.


"You absolutely will have to do something about the migrant kids that leave school for 6 weeks every year to go visit their families in Mexico.  They should all be retained. They don't do any work while they are gone and come back very behind.  You can't catch them up."


This came out of the mouth of a retired MUSIC teacher!  What the hell does she care?  Were those kids ever so far behind in her music classes it out her under duress when they came back?  Why is this such a burning issue for her?  Why such anger and disgust?


So, I pondered this all night.  This morning I decided what I would do if I were Queen of the School District.


First, I would make sure we all understand and honor different cultural needs regarding family obligation and traditions.
Second, I would get the ELL administrators and lead teachers to help me out from this point on.
Third, I would meet with a handful of teachers who are dealing with this issue and learn what they find to be most problematic.
Third, I would ask all of the above what they see as possible solutions... without monetary restraints.
Fourth, I would try to start a summer school program specifically for this group of students where they could get ongoing academic boosts, reteaches, ELL support.
Fifth, I would ask our district ELL experts to provide supports to parents before and after the yearly trips to Mexico.


I am absolutely sure this would be met with arguing, nay sayers, and can't do its.


I am ready for the fight.


Bring it on.


You can't scare me.  I was in EBDland for 18 years.


We need to do right by our students.  Every. Single. One. Of. Them.

Fuel For The Fire And I Am Only Gonna Get Louder and More in Their Faces

Fueled by my frustration, no, outrage!, at all that happened in EBDland last year as well as working with an exceptional therapist, I am no longer on the fence.


I have been reading Alfie Kohn (my absolute education soulmate) and reflecting on what happened to my program in my absence.  I was hoping to find some tidbit that supported what was done in my absence.  I was really hoping to find some kernel, some nugget of support for what happened.  Just ONE bit that would explain why my replacement used the tactics she did and why on earth my principal supported it.


You may ask why I would be doing this. Well, I am trying to embrace differences in teaching styles, trying to make peace with what happened, even entertaining the idea that I don't know everything.  I know.  BIG step for me.  


Long story short.  Alfie set me straight and confirmed that my replacement teacher was full of shit.


What brought me here?  


I went to the neighborhood pool last week with my own kids.  Since the school I teach in is in one of the neighborhoods this pool services, I usually see many kids I know.  I ignore other people's kids unless they approach me.


So, I get approached.  BY MY ALL TIME VERY FAVORITE STUDENT.  This kid and I have been together since he was a first grader.  He just finished 5th grade.  And we all know how much life goes on between first and 6th grade. Favorite Kid is deeply disturbed, a budding schizophrenic (like his father), very bright (unlike his developmentally disabled and mentally ill mother), paranoid, abused, neglected, and likely to flashback in times of stress.  He cannot read, but is a math wizard.  He is an incredible problem solver and has a heart as big as the state of Texas when he feels safe.  He is also as mean as a snake and oppositional defiant.  But I love this kid.  I am devoted to this kid.  My heart breaks for this kid.  I have called social services on his behalf so many times I lost count.


Favorite Kid sits right down next to me and says, "I thought I recognized the back of your head."  HA!  It did occur to me that on a bad day if he had a projectile, that would not be so good of a thing, to recognize the back of my head.   Anyway, we chat.  No eye contact.  No surprise.  But he is sitting on his right hand as if he is hiding something.  I don't point that out, we just chat about the school year, how it went, what next year might bring.  If I am coming back. If he is coming back.  As he relaxes, his right hand comes out of hiding and it is in a big white bandage.  As I chat without comment regarding the hand, he starts unwinding the bandage and exposes a tear in his palm and it is sporting 5 stitches. So I casually ask what happened and he says, "My mom hit me with the broom when I tried to take a sip of her beer."


WHAT!?!?!?  And social services knows this. And social services reports they are all tapped out with this family.  WHAT!?!?!?!  HUH?!?!?!?  How about we remove the kids from their home?  Why didn't they do this 3 years ago when all hell was breaking loose and mom was bringing strange men home and these men were doing things to Favorite Kid and his little sister?


Anyway, Favorite Kid also tells me he thinks he is going to end up at a different school and will probably have to repeat 5th grade.


WHAT!?!?!?!  Repeat 5th grade and they also left him with a whole summer to wonder what the hell is going to happen to him next fall!  Are you kidding me? Is that remotely humane, fair or sensitive to his mental health needs?


I asked him why he thought all those things might happen. He matter-of-factly said that he didn't do any work at all.  All year.  He said there was no way he was gonna do anything just for points that earn him recess.


Enter Alfie Kohn.  His excellent book about the dangers of rewards, the actual harm programs based on tokens and rewards cause, is my bible.  Favorite Kid could be the poster child for all Alfie Kohn has figured out about reward systems.


So, what happened in EBDland with Favorite Kid is the total responsibility of the adults, not Favorite Kid's.  So, because the adults use the absolute wrong approach, did not assess and then reassess his response to a very wrong and counter productive approach this kid is going to suffer life altering consequences.


Because all the adults in his life made repeated bad calls... let's retain the kid, put him in a different program in a different school, never let him out for recess, keep him isolated from his peer group. Yeah, we'll show him!  That will make him straighten up!  That will fix his wagon!  He'll think twice about messing with us next time he wants to be noncompliant by refusing to do that worksheet in front of him.... Favortie Kid will very likely never recover and become yet another horrible statistic in the world of metal health and the prison system.


So, can I go back to that shit?  Can I possibly find my way back to that dysfunction?


No.  I am way too angry.  I will effect change by bringing these stories to  teachers in training.  I will bring change by securing a position on the district school board.  I will have a much louder and clearer voice on such issues outside of the dysfunction.


No more fence sitting.  Letter of resignation in the works and will be delivered by the end of the month.


And, no, I am not done with public education.  I am not done trying to make things right.  


Oh no, I have just begun.

Or Not....

Someone please help me out here!  OK, I am in therapy AND I am still all over the map.  I obviously need more than therapy.  This is the first time in my life I have been so indecisive, so emotionally bogged down, so lacking in confidence about making the right choice.

Here is all the feedback I have been getting and my interpretations.

1.  Got my first tattoo and love it, feel more connected to the most unconditionally loving person from my childhood.  The rosebush that I dug up from her yard after she died is in full and glorious bloom outside my dining room window.  This is a miracle, peeps, because she was dead three years ago and plucked from her fertile bed and tossed behind a bush where she lay dormant for a full year and then was reborn.  No lie.

She loved little red birds, so I had this one designed in her honor.

Rosebush back from the dead.  Really!

Interpretation.... dead grandma is celebrating my decision to leave EBDland.

2.  Got ignored for two weeks by university when I asked when I might get an official offer and a contract.

Interpretation.... they don't really want me and don't care enough to treat me like a professional person so I should NOT leave EBDland.

3.  Got email from University after 2 weeks with a lame explanation of how long these things take and that they are waiting on enrollment and money before making offers final,  but here are examples of the syllabi and the titles of the texts for the classes.

Interpretation...Oh NO!   By the end of summer they will not be offering me a contract because we all know the world will be ending soon, there is no money and I won't have an income next year so I need to say NO to university and stay in EBDland.

4.  Get an email from principal inviting me to special ed scheduling for next year meetings.  I agree to go, show up, get weird vibe from principal, many hugs and confirmation from fellow teachers that they are relieved I am coming back.  EBDland has been trashed in my absence.

Intepretation.... I am meant to be here, my work is not finished in EBDland.

5.  Sit through said meeting and leave feeling very, very ill.  Take a nap upon arriving home.

Interpretation... DO NOT GO BACK TO THE SAME OLD SHIT IN EBDLAND!

6.  Meet with university friend of many years.  He assures me the secretary who sent me the email does not have the whole picture, there will be plenty of work at university, my name is thrown around ( in a good way) all the time, this is what I need to do, many doors and  opportunities will present once I get started.  He went on and on about all the pluses and reminds me of what a wreck I was for the last 2 years in EBDland.

Interpretation.... Get the hell out of EBDland.  Once I let go and fully embrace this next stage in my career lots of good will happen.

7. I attend second scheduling meeting and although I love good teacher banter and had a good time surrounded by my colleagues (who I love so dearly), I left feeling ill and full of memories of how dreadful much of my job was and will continue to be.

Interpretation.... Get the hell out of EBDland... maybe.  I miss the collegiality.  Desperately.

8.  Go to a psychic for a quick 15 minute read (took my new college grad niece for a long reading at her request for one of her graduation presents) and within seconds was told my work is not yet done in special ed.

Interpretation... my first inclination is that I need to go back to EBDland.  But after a few days realize I would still be in special ed at university.


9.  Tell my family I think I am staying in EBDland.  They all gasp.  Some rant, some look very worried, some refuse to speak to me about it.  No one cheered in favor.

Interpretation... those who love me want me sane and safe and clearly believe that cannot happen in EBDland.  I should listen to them because I cannot hear my own self.

10.  Go to therapy.  After much questioning (hard questions were posed, people) and honest answering ensued.  Walked out knowing in my heart I need to write the resignation letter.

Interpretation... I need to commit to one thing or another and I most likely need to embrace a new day dawning, a new career direction.  It is time.

But wait!  Part time at university does not allow for payment into my retirement.  My salary would be so very low.

But wait!  I would have more time to ponder, to explore other options.  Would be exposed to things I don't even know about today.  Would have more flexibility in my schedule to still have coffee and lunch with new dear friends.  Would have time for my own kids that life in EBDland does not allow.  And as my university pal said... it is only part time first semester, maybe second.  Being there will ensure eventual full time work if I want it.

I think what is holding me back is my grief about the loss of my EBDland identity.  18 years is a long time.

I have walked away from other EBDland jobs without looking back.

The difference is I always walked right into another EBDland job.

This is the hardest thing I have ever done.

And the Decision Has Been Made......

Well, sort of.


I know all of you patient readers are sick, sick, sick of my fence sitting and angst.  


I received an informal email offer to teach two sections of an advanced methods course and do some supervising of practicum and student teachers next year by a nearby university.  No contract yet, but I am penciled in for these assignments.  I have agreed to the assignment in another informal email.  I am good with the informality but have not resigned from my EBD teaching position yet.


Why not?  Well, I love the security of having that contract and EBD teacher assignment in my hand.  But I think I have processed a good part of the grief.  I think I am ready to move out of EBDland and into a new place in my career.  I think I am ready.  I think.....


It will be great to pass the baton, to impart all my EBDland wisdom to special education teacher wannabes, to tell my tales, to hold them to a high standard of performance, to expect nothing but the best from them, to not inflate grades or pass them on if I don't think they are ready.  It will be great.  


Right?


Won't it?

Research-Based Best Practice. HUH?

Yes, most of us know that the law requires us to use research-based best practice while teaching everything from calculus to social skills.


Yes, most of us would love to know what those most current research-based best practices are.


Yes, most of us would also like to say that just because something is research-based, does not mean it is necessarily useful in our specific situations or that the data wasn't skewed so the researcher could publish or prove his/her assumption true.


Yes, most of us would also like to be acknowledged for all the great methodologies and strategies we use daily that are based in us just being good teachers.


I am not saying research isn't a great thing.  It is.  Without it we would not be where we are in so many areas. But what I am saying is that some long ago research-based practices are outdated and no longer work.  And that some of those practices were never really all that anyway.


One such strategy is using only ABA methods with AUT kids.  Even though it is really the only well researched, much published and practiced method for working with AUT kids, it is NOT, by any means, THE BESTEST and ONLY way to work with AUT kids. In fact, there are some great newer methods that work really well, even better for some AUT kids.  Greenspan's Floor Time, Autism Treatment Center's Son Rise Program, just having a relationship with the kids, meeting the kids where they are...


Or the emphasis on behavior modification, level systems and token economies.  Do they work?  Yes, absolutely in certain situations, with certain kids, and with very specific goals in mind.  Do they work with all kids, in all situations, for the long term, or with certain mental health issues?  Absolutely NOT. In fact, if used inappropriately, they cause harm, they alienate, they don't extinguish target behaviors.  There are other great tools like cognitive behavioral therapy, using a psycho educational approach, feedback, Richard Lavoie's methods for helping kids socially, just having a relationship with the kids, meeting the kids where they are......


It is just hard to measure these alternative methods using traditional research protocol.  But does that mean they aren't effective?  Does that mean we should not use them?


Let's keep our wits about us, not throw common sense to the wind.


What I propose is that we stop staying in our academic heads only and do what all great teachers have been doing since the beginning of time.  Be smart about how we teach, know our kids, and love them, work our asses off, and never stop looking for and trying any solution that looks like it just  might work.... researched or not.

This Cannot Be True

This is for real.


My favorite and most challenging student of ALL TIME has been in crisis all year.  Since I have been all but banned from my old school due to replacement teacher's issues with me,  I have not been able to stay closely involved.  I am one of a very few people this kiddo with attachment issues ever bonded to.   So, as his behaviors have increased this year... directly due to the level system they insist on using with him... those in charge of him have done the following:


They have NOT taken him off the level system even though it has proven not only ineffective but harmful.
They HAVE suspended him more than 20 days this year.
They HAVE rewritten his IEP 5 times this year.
They HAVE hired another parapro to help with him.
They HAVE shortened his school day.




WHAT????  


They shortened a 5th grader's school day?


So, now he is loose in the community when he really should be in school?


In school with people who take the time to understand him and care for him?


How can this be right?  


While my head is still trying to wrap around this, I hear this one.  One day last week after this kiddo had done NOTHING all day, and I mean nothing at all, the parapro bagged up all the soon -to- expire- unopened- but- confiscated- by- my- parapro -while- on -lunch -duty- and put- in- the- EBDland- refrigerator- cartons -of- lunch- milk and gave them to my kiddo to take home.  A very impoverished home, by the way.


The milks were not given as a reward.  They were not given with any sort of praise attached.  They were just quietly bagged up and handed off when he left for the day.  This was done a million times under my watch.  No biggie, right?


WRONG!  


So, unproductive kiddo leaves for the day with half a dozen little cartons of milk and my second replacement teacher scolds my parapro for giving the kid the milk.  


"I would rather have had you pour that milk down the drain than give it to him."


Again, real good job people.  Real good job.