Anxiety Prevails and The Lines Blur

Yikes.  Went to an after school theater activity with my kids.  Movie Man tried to skate past me to get out of attending.  He went last week and participated only after I caught him trying to leave the building without attending. So what's the big deal?  Why not let him skip out?  What is my problem? Well, I paid 85 bucks per kid to do this for a semester, and Movie Man begged me repeatedly to sign him up.  By early December, they put on a production.  He wanted to be on stage. Now, a handful of schools are included and my guess is a total of about 125 kids are involved.  Obviously the prime parts are out of reach for my two kiddies.  Thank God.  We don't need any more stress from having to MEMORIZE! lines.  


Anyway, as the rapidly paced activities were taking place, I glanced up from my ed leadership text to see how my kids were doing.  I really wish I had not.  It was this large circle activity where the kids take turns running up to another kiddo and say their name, that kid says their name back, then runs across the circle to say their name to another kid.  Guess whose kids NEVER got approached?  I watched them get smaller and smaller and could read their faces quite clearly.  They were hurt and they were withdrawing.


OK.  My kids are introverts, but they are not what other kids would identify as weird by appearance.  They dress hip, have hip hair cuts, but they exude introvertism.  They  are not jump- into- the- crowd- and- make- it- work kind of kids.  Even after that, Superman got up and auditioned!  My props to Superman!  


However, Movie Man told me on the walk home he almost threw up while we were there and he really does not want to go back.  He was miserable.  Really miserable.  So, even though he raised a HUGE stink and insisted I sign him up, and even though I paid, I am going to let him out of it.  He has an anxiety disorder and this serves no purpose.


Parenting with grace means I need to truly embrace all that my children are and are not.  They don't like sports, but they kick ass in Beatles Rock Band.  They don't invite friends over and friends don't invite them over, but they are good and caring little men.  They like their time at home left to their own devices.  This is hard in our society; having this kind of kid.  So, that excruciatingly painful hour of watching my kids in activities that others thrive in was yet another parent smack down.


Now about school...or continuing the sage.  RT (replacement teacher) has done more dirty dog things to younger teachers and I now see that my administrator is between a rock and hard place.  RT is evil.  My parapros are afraid of her, my old students are afraid of her. This not good.  My principal sent a message to me through one of my dearest friends who still works at my school.  The message was that she adored me and wanted me back next year.


I guess that you don't need to be an administrator to be on The Dark Side. Maybe, just maybe, some of the teachers are on a dark side of sorts and put the administrators in really difficult positions that require certain action and that can interpreted as Dark Side moves.


Oh dear, the lines are starting to blur already and I am only in this admin program 5 weeks.

And Yet Another Adjustment in My Thinking

I spent time with my best fiend, Wayne Dyer, this weekend.  I had to travel an hour each way to class and back so popped him in my CD player and soaked it up.  I like to just blindly pick a CD and pop it in hoping to catch a really pertinent topic.  I caught a good one.  I am a control freak.  Yep.  Big time.  I go into regular anxiety attacks lately as I cannot visualize where this year off and administrator license will lead me, where I will be next fall, what I will be doing to earn a living.  


Just a second.  Excuse me while I go take another xanax.  Can't even blog about it without having an anxiety attack.


OK.  I am back.  Anyway, Wayne tells me to find time to sit in stillness and trust that my Source has a plan and that as soon as I let go, that plan will be there for me.  Like catching a wave.  I listened to that segment 5 times over the weekend.  I feel better.  I realize that by not resigning and instead asking for a leave, I have prolonged the time until my purpose reveals itself.  So, in my mind I have to make adjustments.  I have always pictured myself returning to my district.  I now believe that is not in my future.  It can't be.  


I have been a bit lost lately.  Angry and feeling betrayed by my old leadership, not sure I have it in me to be an administrator, and certainly suffering form power point overload! Really, does every professor have to assign a power point presentation?  You all know me well enough by now.  I am not using power point.  Just because.


And what is up with all this emphasis on portfolios? I have already done three in my career and am quite tired of the whole format.  I have NEVER had a prospective employer even ask about my portfolios let alone actually take the time to look through one.  But this time it needs to be done electronically.  Oh brother!  Hoops, hoops, hoops.  At least none of them are ringed in fire, huh?


On the home front.  


As the mother of two special needs kiddos, I am overwhelmed by the amount of work they are expected to do.  As a teacher I always felt we moved through content way too fast, that the amount of work was too much.  There is no time for stillness, digestion.  Every minute of every school day has to have an academic purpose, and yet we are expected to cover a broader spectrum of interpersonal, parenting, social and technological skills than ever before.  I am overwhelmed by the amount of work my own kids bring home.  Imagine how overwhelmed they feel.


Perhaps what bothers me the most is having to reteach as often as I do.  I have to start from the ground up many times which means pulling out graphic organizers and manipulatives.  But by the end of the day my kids are spent, so the push and pull starts and every weekday evening is fairly unpleasant.  


I am so frustrated that so many people NOT in education are making policies and controlling the purse.  I am increasingly concerned about special education teacher evaluation ... really, the lack of such..., the lack of administrator knowledge and time that would allow for better staff development and program monitoring.  The Dark Side has a strong hold.  And don't get me started on the push for merit pay based on test scores!  What the hell is that all about?


Time to recharge my light saber.

Weenie Leadership

Oh brother.  It turns out my administrator is very nervous about me remaining in communication with my students and paraprofessionals (who are also close friends) while on this one year leave. She and I enjoyed what I thought was a decent professional relationship last year.  She confided much to me, sought me for advice and had me help her clean up some messes.  This year she has called me a few times to help with some documentation.  However, as of late, the Dark Side has taken hold.  For reasons none of us understand, it has been strongly recommended that I not reach out and contact those with whom I have enjoyed intimate and personal relationships for 4 years. WTF?


I have not stirred any pots (since on leave), have not inserted myself where not wanted, have not used email inappropriately, have not visited school.  Have not contacted students except once the first days of school when their classroom teacher thought they needed to hear from me... and then it was three sentence... How are you, be good, if you need anything let me know.


After about three days of total paranoia and questioning myself, masturbating the issue, if you will, I decided this has nothing to do with me.  It has everything to do with my replacement's insecurities, my administrator's lack of leadership (so disappointing as I thought she was a keeper).  I also hear through the grapevine that my replacement is not working out so well.  HMMMM.  Really not working out.


So, let's explore the realities of taking a one year leave and the lasting consequences.  There are all sorts of emotional and logistical challenges.  It is a mess.  Like, Replacement Teacher (RT) has to struggle with how much to invest as one year means he/she will be moving on at the end of the school year and be reassigned to another position.  Do they move in all their teaching stuff?  Do they try to adopt enough of Teacher on Leave (TOL) philosophy and practice to help kids transition for that one year?  Or do they erase all traces of TOL and do their own thing?  Reminder, we are talking about a special ed resource position here.  Does TOL pack up all his/her materials and move out completely?  Do they server all ties with friends and students while on leave?  Do they try to keep those relationships up to date so coming back in one year is not like starting all over again?  Do they keep up relationships with kids so kids don't feel abandoned?  Should or should not the two teachers be in contact throughout the year keeping kids' interests in the forefront?  What is best for the kids? 


WHAT IS BEST FOR KIDS???  Oh, I forgot.  Kids last, not first.  


And why the hell is my administrator such a weenie that she can't be direct with me?  I have decided not to bother even approaching her.  Trust has been broken.  Not likely to be restored.


On a personal note.  Anyone else out there have special ed kids of their own? Do you find going in to school to volunteer in your kid's classroom a heart wrenching reality smack down?  Dear God.  My Superman (Autism) is a joy at home.  Verbal, happy, creative, engaged.  At school he looks sooo autistic!  He demonstrates all sorts of strange behaviors we never see at home. I find it unsettling and depressing.  I came home yesterday after 45 minutes in his classroom and slept for 3 hours!  Maybe inclusion is not the answer.  Perhaps alternative ed is. He can't access the curriculum when he is at school because for whatever reasons, his Autism takes over!  When we review at home or I reteach he gets it.  What to do?  


Which brings me to my biggest concern and a main theme of this blog.  Why are so many special ed teachers so damn ineffective and just stupid????  Forgive me.  But really, as a group, we are pretty disappointing.  Is it the system?  Is it weak teacher prep in college?  Are the wrong people entering speical ed for the wrong reason?  Why isn't someone counseling them out?  


Geez.  I am heading back to bed so I can escape.  This is just too much to have in my head all at once.

Note Changes!

To my few loyal readers.  


In the last few days or so I have experienced some angst filled hours.  Sitting in my skin uncomfortably.  Wondering why things weren't fitting.  An inner voice screaming at me, but the harder I listened the fainter the voice got.  Some really intense and strange dreams that stay with me all day.  Some really great conversations with friends, old and new that reminded me who I am.


Note, readers, that some things have changed on this page.  Since its beginning a month ago it has become quite obvious this blog needs to morph into my real voice, my true heart, explore the personal as well as the professional.  I cannot carry on without really exploring the personal, and stupidly, at the onset I thought I could.  So, each entry was a struggle to stay professional enough, to stay on education based topic.  


Well, this blog is taking on a different voice.  My professional is very personal. My personal wraps around my professional.  This journey would not be complete without real personal reflection (yeah, I am sick of that word too).  Not just the relatively tame personal reflective bullshit I was spitting out before, but the real gut wrenching, goofy, eating fried things dipped in chocolate because I am in such turmoil about so many things stuff... all the professional and personal gunk that makes up my life.  


I have taken control again.  I have made accommodations in my course work.  I am adapting assignments to fit MY needs.  And get this.  I am not even asking for permission from my professors.  I am just handing the stuff in and hoping for the best, suspecting I will get the worst.  It's OK.  I am doing all of this for me, so it better be more about me.


I have nothing to prove.  I am tired of dancing around incompetent, inexperienced colleagues and administrators who negatively impact my life.  Public education has become a model of mediocrity for a reason.  I am a mad mom, a mad teacher, and mad tax payer.  I celebrate the good stuff.  I do.  But the negative stuff has way too big a voice.  We need to get this right.  I need to get right with myself.  


So, enjoy the new voice.  If you don't enjoy it, please don't feel compelled to keep checking in.  

AHA!

Shoulda, woulda, coulda!


Big AHA! moment late yesterday.


Shoulda...not asked for a one year leave and simply let go to free fall.


Woulda...been a lot further along in figuring out my future role.


Coulda...spent the last 6 months totally open to all possibilities instead of limiting myself.


Perhaps I won't work in a school system any more.  Perhaps I will be a consultant.  Perhaps I will lead workshops.  Perhaps I will write a book. Perhaps I will start a school based on MY philosophy.  Perhaps I will develop an incredibly useful special education teacher evaluation tool.  Perhaps I will  become a child and family advocate.


Perhaps I will run for the school board... now wouldn't that be interesting?

Heart and Head are not Mutually Exclusive

I think my courses thus far are doing a good job of helping me develop a better sense of what an administrator has to consider when making even the seemingly simplest of decisions. It's not really news to me, but practicing that perspective and making it the primary filter will be my challenge.  I am not sure changing roles like this after 18 years in direct practice was a good idea!  But I am up for it.  I think.


It is my belief that in all this administrator muck and emphasis on crossing t's and dotting i's, there is a HUGE need to explore one's interpersonal skills.  Which I believe to be crucial to effective, healthy, supportive leadership.  Which I believe helps one sift through all the nuances of human nature.  Which I believe is the essence of managing people.  Which is essential to demonstrating support.


I just read an article published by CEC about the effects of a lack of administrative support on special educators.  That one factor is the biggest contributor to special education teacher attrition.  Think about that.  We special education teachers work with the most difficult in our schools.  We love it, we thrive on it, our work feeds us.  We were born to do it.  We can't help ourselves.  Right?  The kids don't drive us out.  Unsupportive leadership does.  


So what does that look like?


By now you have all read about my rhythmic loom project.  A big deal.  A BIG deal.  Three TV stations, and several interviews, publications, and presentations documented that this is a BIG deal.  Did a single member of my special education leadership team initiate acknowledgement of it?  Nope.  Not one.  The first year my building principal barely acknowledged it. Our new principal last year was a huge supporter, protector and promoter, an genuine fan.  A prominent school board member is a huge fan and follower and has even hooked us up to a research center in our state.  Those supports and fans are great...but the fact there is no attention paid by my own department is devastating.


When another EBD teacher suffered a few broken toes from a student in her program, did a special education administrator offer support or comfort?  Nope.  She said, "Well, that's just part of the job.  You knew what you were signing up for."  Really.  That happened.  


When an AUT teacher has 15 kids in her program ranging from K-6 on all points on the spectrum, including a few that are not toilet trained and a few that are runners has chest pains which necessitate several doctor and hospital visits, did any leader in her district reach out, see that she was being asked to do the impossible, help her with solutions, empathize, sympathize, show support?  Nope.  Will she be gone in a year?  Yep.


When special education teachers don't get preps or lunch or potty time, does leadership note that and insist that teacher gets down time? Nope.  Most often they are just glad the teacher is doing what they are doing and honestly, it is commonly expected.


When special educators are laid off, programs are cut, or teachers are moved from one certification area they love and are really good at to another area they have little interest or experience in, is that showing support?  When you tell them to quit crying and that in tough times, good teachers just get creative and make it work, or to just suck it up and be glad they have a job, is that OK?  Is it respectful? Is it professional?  No.


Is an end of the week email from a special education leader to all of his teachers simply saying, "Good work this week!  Enjoy our well deserved weekend!"  along with a stupid smiley face and cheery, cutesy moving graphic genuine support?  No.  It is insulting.  We all wanted to shove that moving graphic right up his pooper.  Those weekly emails showed no support.  They were an afterthought.  A way for him to feel like he connected with us.  The man could not tell you a thing about how your week really went.


Stacking intense middle school EBD kids in an already crowded program and expecting the teacher to make it work is bad enough, but to bring a severe EBD student back to the home school out of a day treatment program before he was ready all because the district wanted to save some cash is cruel...to the kid and the teacher.  To bully that teacher and tell her she WILL make it work with what she has or else, is is inhumane....to the kid and the teacher.  To keep telling the teacher after several days of the teacher being physically and verbally attacked by this student causes irreparable damage...to the kid and the teacher.  In the end she was driven away in an ambulance never to return to her classroom.  And she was a gifted EBD teacher.  It has taken over a year of therapy while on disability for PTSD to get to the place where she can sleep, not cry all day and actually engage in good girlfriend chats again.


The missing element in all of these examples is the human one.  What is so threatening about reaching out and being kind, human, understanding, appreciative?  What is so damn hard about being human, demonstrating human qualities, appreciating that we are all human.


One leadership theorist came to the conclusion that to be effective you have to lead with hands, heart, and head.  A balance of the three.  Somehow, all the special education leaders I have worked with have lead with the head only.  They have all been so guarded, so aloof, so distanced, that they served no purpose for me.  If you can't support me, just stay out of my way.  But know that by not supporting me, you are chasing me away.  And you need me.  


If I become an administrator I hope to be able to keep that balance.  As a teacher, I think I do.  I use my head and analytic abilities while considering the human factor.  I only come to action when I am able to keep both those as part of the solution. 

What a Nightmare!

Really.  What a nightmare I had last night.
This transition is hard.  I am emotionally whipped.
So last night I had a nightmare that sort of exemplifies the turmoil.  Here is how it went.


I go to my old room and find it empty except for desks in rows, the rag cutter is in pieces on the floor and Aunt Sally is shoved in a corner with a sheet over her.
I try to get he rag cutter back together and while I am sitting there, my old parapro walks in with my replacement teacher.  They look really grim.  My Para sits next to me and tells me that one of the boys is burning his face regularly.
I fight back tears and guess who it is.  My replacement tells me she can't tell me as it is confidential.
I sit back deflated.
I say the kiddo's name again and she nods and then says, "What did you expect?  You did nothing for him for 4 years and you should not come back next year for the sake of the kids."


I think I need a therapist.


I think they have all figured out I was wrong about most things in EBDland.


I think I was not prepared for this.