Teacher Ponders

Holy Observations!

2011-05-01T11:27:00.000-05:00

As I have mentioned in an earlier post, I love supervising student teachers. For a variety of reasons. It's much like driving around town at night, glimpsing in lit and uncovered windows to see how the other half decorates.

I have been in inspiring rooms with amazing cooperating teachers. I have been in mediocre rooms and watched my students out teach the cooperating teacher, I have been in really horrific rooms with poor model teachers and watched my student teachers struggle with the ethics, philosophy and methods in which they are trying to construct a meaningful experience for themselves.

I am left to ponder how incredibly diverse programs are, how the inequities effect students and teachers. How it is simply the luck of the draw where all students land for their education. It's really the same universal crap shoot at play as where we are born, what race we are, what religion our parents practice, the genetic mix that determines all sorts of things, our socio-econimic status....

Even with all of that, our country is committed to providing every one of our children with the opportunity of free and appropriate public education. No small task. Pretty idealist. Absolutely righteous.

I could now launch into the current politics of it all, but let's not go there.

So, back to the diversity of programs, teachers, districts, and philosophy.

It's 2011 and I had so hoped that special education room assignments had progressed farther than they have. Too many of the programs are down long and winding, darker hallways tucked in the back of school buildings. They are usually as far away from the office as possible.

One such room is the old shop facility at a middle school. It is a huge space. OK, yippee! Not in a closet or locker room. It has windows. Yippee! It has a concrete floor, huge ominous pipes and exhaust vents twisting throughout the uncovered ceiling. Any kiddo with anxiety about spooky things overhead would be totally freaked out in here. The acoustics are bad, divider walls are filing cabinets and book cases. Adults and kids are in and out of there constantly. There is no place to hang some cheer, interactive bulletin boards, art work, student work. The teachers in that room are frazzled. My student teacher was skillfully able to teach her small group in such a way that it felt cozy and safe. It was all about her, not the facility. She is a keeper.

Another setting is a not that far from all the goings on of reg ed. It is a middle school self contained CDS room. Kiddos with significant challenges spend the bulk of their day in this room. It has its own bathroom, as toileting is an issue. It has a connecting room for spreading out, it has a SMART board, and get this! The powers that be allowed the teacher to design and request what she needed for her room! Say what???? You read me right. She, the teacher, wanted each of her students to have their own space. She designed and ordered up little office cubicles for each student! The walls are very low, they each have a computer, and a nameplate. They are not used as timeout spaces. There is a large table in the center of the room where most instruction takes place. It is full of love and the purpose of coming to school is very clear. The teacher is amazing, my student teacher was so amazing she moved me to tears.

And in sharp contrast is a very dark place. Elementary school self contained EBD. Way in the back of the very dark building. No happiness anywhere in the whole building... so imagine the EBD room. On the upside, there was ample space. Two big rooms, windows. Across the hall is the seclusion room. Yep, the seclusion room. Yep, it gets used a lot. Let me describe the classrooms. Two gigantic messes. Heaps of stuff everywhere in no order, no welcoming elements, no signs that anyone at all cares. Luck of the draw, no?

So, while I am there observing my by nature very happy and loving student teacher, a student is in the seclusion room. The door was open and he was chillin' out, I guess. And then the door begins to bang open and closed. So, what do the adults do when this obvious cry for attention happens? They lock him in the seclusion room! He gets hysterical, escalates, and my student teacher tries to continue her lesson over the din of adults and hysterical student drown her out. It was upsetting. It was crushing. It was wrong. My student teacher finishes her lesson and allows her students free time.... things that require the use of earbuds and headphones. Smart girl.

She comes back to me so we can discuss the lesson she just taught. We were alone. All we needed to do was look at each other. Poker faces on, but intense eye contact. I whispered to her if she found this upsetting. She said yes it was and that it went on all day long. She hates the environment, the philosophy and methodology. She tells me the hysterical kiddo in the exclusion room lost his mother (she was killed) just a year ago. This is the anniversary month. He just had his first birthday without his mother. So we put him in a locked seclusion room and tell him when he calms down he can come out. Are you fucking kidding me??

That poor kid needed hugs and whispered sweet nothings in his ear. He needed his mom. He needed someone to care that getting down to academics wasn't possible for him because his grief was big. BIG. Because he doesn't have a mom. Because that void is so huge he cannot even describe it.

Let's just keep on using behaviorist methods with this kid. Let's shut him down and teach him that nobody really cares about anything except him getting his work done quietly.

Yeah, it's a wonderful world for him.

Adolescence Hell

2011-04-22T09:42:00.000-05:00

I love, love, love teaching in a middle school. I love the humor, the screaming hormones, the variety in size, shape, development. Middle schools are my favorite places to be. I don't even mind the smells of middle schooler bodies after gym class.

But living with one such beast? Not so much. The rebellion and opposition, the angry fight to disengage from me as a parent, me as ruler, me as boss. The lack of interest in personal hygiene drives me to distraction. Unattended zits, body odor, greasy hair, wrinkled clothing covered in pet hair thrown on for a day at school, folders torn and full to overflowing with wrinkled, torn and stained papers, sleeping and more sleeping, waiting to do homework until the adults needed to help are ready for bed, the love for inane and really stupid adolescent TV shows, excessive milk consumption, growing an inch every few months which then necessitates new clothing and shoes, and did I mention the constant opposition and lack of awareness of how one is affecting others?

Now multiply that by one million or so, and you have my life with Movie Man. Add to above list, ADD, communication disorder, anxiety disorder, learning disability, no internal clock (no clue how much time is passing or sense of where he should be at any given time), and some perseveration.

I will be honest. I do feel the almost impossible not to act on urge to run. Pack the car with some precious items (books, chocolate, bottle of bourbon, jeans and t-shirts, debit card, license and iPhone) and leave. This is really hard to fight. Really hard. And there are times I am reduced to a very silent, close to tears, giver upper.

I love Movie Man. I love him so much it hurts. I am very afraid for him. His faulty wiring seems impossible to overcome at most, compensate for at the least. And right now, he is fiercely defending his position that he has nothing to overcome, no responsibility to own his deficits and mindfully work on them. And even though I know he is doing his adolescent job, most days I am very depressed about it all.

In 10 years (not any more optimistic than that) I hope to look back on this period and chuckle. I hope to look back on this period and say, "Who knew he would ever be successful and happy?"

I just hope I haven't suffered a debilitating stroke or heart attack getting us there.

Mother Guilt; How Did I Miss It?

2011-04-16T21:07:00.000-05:00

So, I have been very busy getting used to my new gig and protesting in Madison. Our Governor is ruining our state. The sick will be sicker and become hopeless, the poor will become even more poor and be forced to live even less healthy lives, the wonderful teachers of Wisconsin are retiring in droves, many are scrambling to find second jobs, putting their houses on the market, selling second cars, canceling vacations, and the wealthy will get richer and share even less. Families with kids on waivers and such for extra services will no longer be able to offer their kids what they need to improve.

It is very scary in Wisconsin right now. Very scary.

So, on to the personal. The mother guilt part.

Movieman has always had some issues as I have mentioned earlier in this blog. He has significant learning issues, executive functioning and working memory deficits, ADD, and an anxiety disorder. So that is what we have been attending to. And it has been ineffective.

Middle school has been quite the, well how shall I describe it? I can't. It has been a mixed bag with mostly very low lows. On the up side. We have a good cocktail of meds that are working effectively to help the anxiety as well as the ADD. He scored advanced in the reading section of the WKCE and proficient in the math section. He has an incredible LD resource teacher. Really. She is a saint. Movieman had a horrible LD resource teacher for two years. A woman with no business holding a license to teach let alone a job working with kids. So we have already survived a two year wasteland of crap services.

On the down side we have seen the social/communication gap widen exponentially between Movieman and his peers. I will spare you the details, no, the glaring evidence, that I was not seeing objectively. I mean I am trained in this stuff for God's sake! I lost my objectivity. My sharp observation skills were dulled by mother love. Have you seen the view from the River of Denial? It is breathtakingly peaceful.
Let's now add years and years of communication patterns that are spectrum-ish. Add to that his almost lifelong avoidance of hugs form most people, including me. I always chalked it up to him being mad at me for having Superman. Add to that a limited ability to empathize or connect much of what he chooses to do or not do to the natural consequences that follow.

GRRR! I am so, so, so mad at myself. STUPID mom!

So we now head into more assessments looking for a communication disorder label to access as much speech and language services and some social skills group work.

I am almost ready to acknowledge and accept that Movieman has had his needs neglected for many years because I was in denial, took my eyes off the obvious, and put all my energies into Superman's therapies. I neglected one son to save another. I sacrificed one son to keep another from slipping away.

How will I ever be able to right this wrong?

Voyeurism

2010-10-21T08:56:00.000-05:00

Every day that passes, I am more grateful for working through enough stuff to quit EBDland and move on to teaching at the university level.

I loved EBDland, but it was killing me. Literally.

So, the best part of this new gig? Well, there are many. But supervising student teachers allows me to enter all sorts of classrooms and watch how others are managing their caseloads and classrooms. Kinda like driving around the hood slowly late at night, peeping in lit up windows to see how your neighbors are decorating the living room.

I have seen exceptional. I have seen deplorable. And the good part....? I don't have to do anything about it!!!!

It has been an incredible experience to then process with my student teachers. It is invigorating to analyze, ponder, reflect, and problem solve. It is amazing to watch the next generation of teachers come into their style, evolve, and collect the good, the bad and the ugly and sift through it all in their efforts to be really good teachers.

Unfortunately one of my student teachers is in the worst possible situation. In one room there are 6 teachers. It is arranged very poorly, it is very unwelcoming, there are some real safety issues in there. Ld teacher working in small pull out groups has to teach over the din of hour long meltdowns. I mean full on screaming! And the administrator said, "Well, that's just special ed."

Are you cussing kidding me????? What kind of school leadership is that? Sacrifice quality learning environment for the LD kiddos? Really? This same administrator hands out much less harsh consequences to special ed victims of special ed peer attacks than she does if a special ed kiddo attacks a reg ed student. So, special ed kids don't deserve quality learning environments? So, special ed kids don't need to feel safe? So, special ed kids don't need protecting from other special ed kiddo bullying?

Oh yeah, I am furious. Oh yeah, I can't let this one go. Not sure how I will address it, but I will.

So grateful I stopped the insanity of crossing over the the dark side.

Whew!

2010-10-15T19:58:00.003-05:00

Sorry I have been out of it for so long. That certainly was not my intention or preference.

As mentioned before, Movie Man was having a most challenging transition to middle school and Superman was presenting a bit more aggression than usual and was expressing some new found emotions. I have a real love-hate relationship with Superman evolving. You gotta take the good with the bad and as he claws through another layer of Autism (which I love), he has so much to process and put in some sort of order. It usually is not a pretty transition (which I hate).

Now let's move on to my career change. LOVING IT! Love, love, love it. What the hell was all my fuss about? No, let's not go there.

I am having a blast teaching advanced methods to seniors ready to student teach next semester. I was nervous for the first few weeks as I was not teaching as I noted some of my peers were. They are way in the world of academia and research and I am.... well, I am not. At first I felt really self conscious (although I have total autonomy), I was nervous that I wasn't brainy enough. I took a long hard look at most of my fellow professors and thought about what they offered and where they came from, how much public school teaching they had done before becoming tenure track professors.

And I concluded that what I have to offer is of incredible value. 18 years of real experience in the trenches. with real kids, in real situations, with real teachers, with real parents, with real frustrations. That knowledge base is irreplaceable. And the whole point of making this career change is to make a difference in the way special education teachers in training are trained, to offer up some real strategies and stories that will empower new teachers as they enter this incredible profession.

OK, PLUS, I want to make sure that my own kiddos have a better chance of always landing in good special ed programs. I am that controlling, yes, I am.

Anyway, I am having a blast doing it my way. And the feedback from my students has been incredible. They express gratitude every single day. They are relieved. They are hungry to better understand, to fill their bags of tricks with good stuff that works, to be given permission to cut loose, follow their instincts.

They are even beginning to embrace my goal for them to become independent thinkers, to question research based methods, to expose themselves to the vast amounts of great information and resources, and to throw out what they don't want to use and embrace trying new things and making it work for each and every one of their students.

I am also so adoring being a student teacher supervisor. It is a great form of voyeurism, no? I get to sit in a variety of classrooms in a variety of school districts and just sit and watch, and then I get to process it all with my very talented student teachers. One placement is dreadful with a capital D. It has been a blast to work through it with my student teacher, to empower her, to help her in ways her cooperating teacher is not. I love watching the kiddos in each placement, learning how different districts offer different solutions for all sorts of issues and challenges every district faces.

I think what I want to do with this blog is to chat with you all about what I am seeing and how we are all finding solutions. I also hope that you all will comment as we go along and that you will let me know what you think is most important for teachers in training to understand before they student teach.

It's good. Really good.

This Should Not Be A Problem

2010-09-15T08:44:00.002-05:00

Readers, please take time to read the following post written by an exceptionally caring and talented teacher. Daisy's blog is Compost Happens and is listed as one of my favorites. She is definitely not the only teacher faced with this problem. It's complicated on so many levels. If you have suggestions, please make them!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

These boys need books. Lots of books.

I love teaching reading. Reading is the heart of learning. A child who can read has access to so many worlds, so much fascinating information, so many opportunities, so much fun.

Every year my students span a wide range of reading levels. This year the range is wider than ever, and there are more struggling readers than ever, too. Seven children, all boys, who read at a first grade level.

Fourth graders. Nine- and ten-year-olds who read like the little kids -- when they read at all.

I can teach them, work with them every day. Sight words. Phonics. Structure. Basic punctuation and what it means. But in the meantime, they need to read on their own. And therein lies my challenge. I need to help them read, read a lot, and read often. To do that, I need to provide these boys books they can read and books they want to read. Something easy, outrageously easy, and yet something exciting and fun.

I have the structure planned: each of these kiddos will have his own box of books at all times. The box will contain books they can read, books at their level, books that they'll read when it's time for them to read on their own. A literacy coach once told me that after students independently read 25 books at their level, they move themselves to the next level. These boys need to read. I know, I've already said that. 25 books will sound impossible to them, so I won't say it out loud. But I will provide books, and they will read, and read, and read.

The only barrier is money. Oh, yeah, money. School budgets are already pared to the bone. To buy more books, first grade reading level but high-interest enough for a fourth grader, will take money. Stimulus funds? Spent well, but spent. Title I Reading funds? Put to good use, believe me. I'll be at a Title sponsored training tonight.

Grants? Help me out. There's a local grant group, but they don't buy books. Bless their heart, they think there are enough books on the shelves, and no one needs more. Shudder. Are there really people who think this way?

Now what? Readers, can you send me to a source for grant money for these kids? A source that will send the money, and soon, so I can buy books and get these guys reading now? Leave it in the comments or email me. Okaybyme at gmail dot com. Please. Let's give these boys a future. A reading future.

Movie Man Hits Middle School (Yes, another parent smack down)

2010-09-11T13:24:00.000-05:00

I am afraid for Movie Man.
I am heartbroken for him.
I just don't know what to do. I have most often advocated for him and intuitively believe much of what he is displaying behaviorally is systematic of other issues. Hubs and I don't always agree on Movie Man's motivation or reasons for certain behaviors. That causes some tension.
Well, Movie Man started middle school a few weeks ago and I wish I could report that all is calm in our house, that he is adjusted, happy, and learning.

But I can't.

He was sent to the principal for not stopping whatever he was doing after several warnings and cues from the teacher. A very seasoned and tolerant teacher who gets it.

When Movie Man came through the front door after school, the very disjointed story of being sent to the principal spewed out of him before he made it to the living room.

However it was unbearably frustrating because Movie Man is not very articulate when retelling a story. It is hard for him. Really, really hard. So, his anxiety mounts as his father and I ask questions for clarity and our anxiety mounts as the questions go unanswered. It's pretty ugly.

Thank goodness his LD teacher called within 30 minutes of the school day being over. Hubs takes the call and LD teacher shares the story, shares some observations, shares he might be overmedicated, shares she did not know what else to do when Movie Man could not get unstuck and shut up. Really. What else could she do? Changing the environment, the pace, any variable is best for getting someone unstuck. She did the right thing by getting him out of the room.

So Hubs decides the best consequence is to write a letter of apology and try to get Movie Man to really figure out why he gets so stuck. Great in theory and I supported this, but I knew Movie Man could not possibly articulate the why of it all. He truly was sorry. But I don't think he really understands how disruptive his perseverations are. He is not making the connection, the cause and effect of it all.

Anyway, Hubs sat with Movie Man and as patiently as possible tried to help Movie Man probe into the why of it, how to organize the letter of apology. They got through it with Hubs scribing. Movie Man was frustrated. He truly was clueless about the why. He was even having trouble remembering the teacher warning him. Then Hubs gives the directive for Movie Man to rewrite the letter in his own handwriting and tweak it to make it even more Movie Man's voice.

And that is when yet another battle of defiance broke out. No TV until the letter is done. Stalemate. Hubs ups the ante by harping and nagging. Movie Man digs in even more. Hubs won't leave the room. Movie Man won't move off the couch, pick up a pencil... nada.

I suggest Hubs just leave it. Walk away. I say, "I trust Movie Man will do the honorable thing and get the letter rewritten." I then say I am going upstairs to fold laundry and remind Movie Man not to turn on the TV.

As soon as Hubs and I both get our of Movie Man's space, the letter gets done. Beautifully done.
And even though that was a proud feel good moment that provided some parenting emotional relief, I still feel sick about what is ahead for my sweet Movie Man.

Is he only OCD and not AHD? Is he also on the spectrum? Does he have a borderline personality?

How the hell are we going to get him to adulthood?

A New Year, A New Role

2010-09-10T13:23:00.000-05:00

I now have one 2 hour class session and one 2 hour student teacher meeting under my belt.

And I believe I am in love.

I believe I made the right choice.
I know I made the right choice.

I wasn't so sure while I was in syllabus writing hell. And it was hell.

The last few weeks have allowed me to make some great and noteworthy observations. Although not new to these sorts of observations, I still found them worth pondering.

1. When you are new to an organization, members of that organization make a lot of incorrect assumptions about what you know and who you know.

2. When you are new to an organization and have questions, and feel some urgency about getting answers, the peeps already familiar don't feel your same urgency and because they are really busy getting the school year under way they don't respond in a timely manner... if they respond at all.

3. It's scary starting anew, but man, is it exhilarating!

4. We are not doing a good job in teacher training programs. The students are starved for relevant information, practical strategies. Theory only takes you so far.

5. After gathering information about student needs, I realize the original timeline and topics to be explored need adjusting. I feel very strongly about giving my students what they need. They know where they feel unprepared. They know what they need to become effective teachers working with their preferred population. Well, they sort of know. How can they really know?

6. Training students to become independent thinkers and inquisitive learners when they are used to simply getting assignments done so they can check them off the to-do list is going to be no easy task.

7. I love having a captive audience! My goodness, isn't it great to be able to finally tell it like it really is and hope to effect some change in practice, philosophy and beliefs?

I am looking so forward to a weekend full of planning.

I have a renewed hope about what I can do on behalf of kids. I was so afraid I would not feel this way once I left my direct service role.

Whew!

New School Year Anxiety

2010-08-31T09:40:00.003-05:00

On the home front, we have a very nervous Movie Man entering middle school. So nervous, in fact, we took another trip to his pediatric psych. Hopefully we have the right solutions and we will avoid what we have gone through for many years.

Anxiety is a brutal condition and it effects so many of our students. It can look like conduct disorder, opposition, ADHD, under achiever. When we treat it as anything but anxiety we make things worse for our students. As teachers, we can destroy them and make taking learning risks impossible for them.

Superman keeps telling me he is a "home kid" meaning he would rather be at home than anywhere else. In his pajamas. I see his point. He is worried about 5th grade. He is already convinced it will be very hard. And it will be. As the kids get older there is more sit and get, more listening, more verbiage. Kids with Autism don't learn as effectively as they could in this sort of environment. And what that looks like is a kiddo who is below average and oppositional and maybe ADHD. Sensory issues are exacerbated when they have to attend to verbiage for too long. Superman is also on the throes of a worry perseveration about weather. And of course, stormy rains are expected for the next few days.

So, to all the teachers out there... I know you all have butterflies just like your students. Be mindful of what feelings behaviors are masking and that most often they are simply a way of coping.

School has become less therapeutic, less child centered. And it is not because teachers are less caring. It is because all the suits in the world are misguided and since they have all the power, THEY are the reason so many kids are experiencing more and more stress in school.

I love teachers. May you all have a wonderful start to this new school year. Use compassion, have fun, and enjoy the kids parents turn over to your care.

The Magic Lives!

2010-08-31T09:18:00.000-05:00

Wowy zowy!!!

I am so excited to report that despite principal's lack of support, Aunt Sally will be used it the EBD room this year! Art teacher approached new EBD teacher and asked if she was interested in pursuing the use of Aunt Sally or if she really wanted her removed. She said she wanted to learn how to use her with the EBD kiddos!

Take that pissy principal!

Turns out the EBD teacher wants me to come over and help her get it going again! Pissy Principal really tied EBD teacher's hands in directing her to use all the crap my replacement had used. Turns out EBD Teacher has a degree in recreational therapy! She gets it. Yippee! Aunt Sally is very happy.

So, Art Teacher and I went to get yet another loom yesterday and it was an amazing experience. A wonderful 80 something couple were done with their loom. They were amazing. Very inspirational. They are living the golden years in a beautiful rural setting in a minimalist, but very techno-savvy home.

So, we collected a beautiful loom (we named her Grandma Rosie after the lovely woman who gave her to us) from their house and delivered it to the middle school EBD room where my old students attend. They are so excited to have the loom there so they can continue using weaving as a way to self-regulate.

So, take that Pissy Principal!

I will be helping middle school EBD teacher write her mini grant to get the supplies she needs to get it up and running. Meanwhile I have Miss Mae in my living room as Art Teacher got a larger, more appropriate loom to use in the art room. We have named that one Stella. She comes from a basement in Chicago and is very happy to be used in a loving and helpful way in an elementary art program.

And you better believe my student teachers and Methods students will know all about this sort of magic.

Aunt Sally Updates

2010-08-24T10:58:00.000-05:00

So, I get a call yesterday from my Aunt Sally partner saying we needed to get Aunt Sally out of my old room.

Say what? Really?

Yes, principal barked this order to my partner in passing. What happened to all the support we got for Aunt Sally from her? This boils down to yet another administrator NOT walking the talk. Yuck. Ho Hum. Nothing new.

Nevertheless, it still hurts. It sucks. It is just plain wrong.

It is wrong that my replacement was allowed to kill the gifts of Aunt Sally. It is wrong that the building administrator was not strong enough to encourage the continued use of Aunt Sally. It is wrong that the administrator did not encourage my replacement's replacement to use Aunt Sally and to develop her own program based on what had been working instead of telling her to continue on as my original replacement had.

Nothing good came from my room last year.

But, time marches on, I have a new job, new focus, new opportunity to expose future teachers to all the great experiences I have had, how to reach kids in crisis, how to be effective.

I went to sleep last night feeling very sad for Aunt Sally. Feeling that the greatest thing I have done as a teacher was not strong enough to stay alive in my building once I was gone.

All hope is not lost! We have looms up in other EBD rooms and they are enjoying great success. And then I get the email that lifts the grief, that renews my hope, that is a great smack down to principal with now spine, no sense of how to lead.

One of the middle school teachers wants a loom! She is excited and when she told a student I had two years ago and who greatly benefitted from the loom, he lit up and got all excited! He celebrated! He is now looking forward to this school year! His foster parents are ecstatic!

So my partner and I are going to rescue another loom this week, get Aunt Sally set up in the art room, and keep the dream alive.

Because kids in crisis, kids in worlds of hurt, kids in need of tools to help them self-regulate need this.

Amazing Grace.

Trying To Adjust

2010-08-22T11:14:00.000-05:00

Hey All,
I stepped away from much of my routine to celebrate Foodie getting married. What a great week away. What a great wedding. What a great Union. What a great daughter-in-law I got.

Anyway, when I returned home with Superman (Movie Man and Hub stayed for a few more days), I was hurled into my new job. My new career. My new adventure. It's a mixed bag and I sure as hell hope I get things sorted out and feel some peace about it all.

I am going to teach an advanced research-based methods course and supervise special education student teachers. I had hoped for full time employment that would include an office, a home away from home. A place to replace my classroom. A place to practice the back-to-school-set-up-my-classroom rituals I so loved for 18 years. Well, there is no longer such a place for me. Except in my heart.

So much of preparing for a new school year is about making the learning space for my students what it needs to be for them. For 18 years, whole summers of thought and planning went into the start of a new year, but I had a tangible place in which to visualize, decorate, plan, shove belongings, furniture, resources around. A room of my own. I cannot tell you how many hours I spent just sitting in the middle of my classrooms amidst entire contents shoved either to one side or piled in the middle after cleaning services were done with polishing the floors and wiping down the surfaces. I was never one to leave bulletin boards up. I always took everything down and put it away. I never wanted to be in a rut. My kiddos returned to me and they deserved to see new things from different perspectives. What worked and was comforting went back up, but usually in a different place.

It was the rearranging and shoving around of the heavy classroom furniture that helped me prepare, ground myself, rethink the whys, wheres and intentions of the last year's choices. Even when I moved and changed districts and students, pondering past choices while looking ahead is what centered me.

So what am I to do this year? How will I adjust to a fresh start with no classroom that is mine and only mine? How will I keep my wits about me without the benefit of seeing my dear colleagues throughout the day? How will I feel a sense of belonging? All the things I relied on for 18 years are no more. And how will I ever adjust to the whole concept of academic freedom? Wow. What I have always craved, but now facing it, I am a bit perplexed.

But maybe that's OK. Maybe that's good.

Moving on. Passing the baton. Sharing my story as special education teacher. Helping new teachers stretch and question to become independent thinkers. Exposing them to my unconventional methods. Hoping against all hope that I can encourage them, keep them passionate, teach them advocacy, warn them without scaring the shit out of them.

But they better be good or I won't pass them on. After all, my own special needs kiddos may well be their future students.

Behavior Modification = Manipulation No Matter How You Wrap It

2010-07-27T10:04:00.003-05:00

No. I am not through presenting my argument against the overuse, the misuse, and the abuse of behaviorism in our schools.

We really must continue this crusade to reform how we ~~manipulate~~ manage kids. Alfie Kohn stresses that behaviorism is nothing more than manipulation by extrinsic forces. We use it to get kids to do what we want them to do in the way we want them to do it. In doing this we take away any chance of the student developing independent thinking, a strong sense of self, a sense of personal social and learning style. We teach them instead to only do what is rewarded by some carrot we deem valuable. We get so busy charting, we forget relationship building. But what bothers me most is that we don't think while in the trenches of managing by manipulation.

To do it right, we are supposed to collect data that supports the need for a change in behavior. We need to know what is happing, how often, under what circumstances. We need to determine what the very specific replacement behavior is desired and then aim for it in smaller increments (behavior shaping). Let's face it. We typically skip this part and go straight to the, "God! This kid is driving me nuts! He needs to stop all this annoying talking out/defiance/out of his seat/pencil breaking/refusal to work/poking others/avoidance behaviors/you fill in the blank.

So let the bribing begin. Let the "If this, then that" dance begin. Strike up the band, get out the sticker charts and bins of junky plastic toys or promises of pizza lunches. We can get really busy and focused on this stuff. We can pour tons of energy and thought into this stuff. We can feel like we are taking action to correct this behavior and the kid will be better for it. He will readily learn, he will do quality work, he will love being in our classrooms because he will realize his evil ways just don't pay.

Yeah, right. Right?

Well, let's say you have a kiddo who is a young member of a gang. Let's say you have a kiddo living in a constant state of deprivation. Let's say you are working with a kiddo with no power or control over any aspect of his life. Let's say you are working with a really bright kiddo who is bored out of his mind. Let's say you are working with a kiddo with a significant learning disability. Let's say you are working with a kiddo who has an unidentified sensory issue. Let's say you are working with a kiddo with any number of mental health issues. Let's say you are working with a kiddo who is paranoid.

These behaviors you have identified unruly, undesirable serve very important purpose to each of these kiddos. They are doing what they do because it works for them.

And here is the reality. You trying to manipulate them will only make them cling tighter to the undesirable behavior because in their heads and hearts, these behaviors are what help them survive. Why the hell would you want to take that away from a kid already feeling powerless, deprived, hopeless, backed in a corner by what life has thrown at them? Why would you want to make an already scared kid even more scared? Why would you want to make an untrusting kiddo trust even less? Kids are smart. They know when you are just trying to trick them into doing what YOU want them to do. You have now chosen to get into a power struggle. Because your kiddo is going to prove to you that he cannot be manipulated. You have now hired him to use even more undesirable behaviors to hang on tight to what he believes is keeping him alive.

So now you turn to a bigger carrot. You try to find that one thing that will motivate your kiddo to do what you want him to do. You try to find the one thing your kiddo would do anything to get.

Hello!? He is already doing all that he can to get what he really wants. Power, control, autonomy, self preservation, feeling safe, filled up, attended to. These kiddos are very sensitive to manipulator behavior. They know from manipulation like no other kiddos. They can smell it from afar and they HATE sticker charts... even the really cute theme oriented ones. Believe me. They don't care how you have it all wrapped up. Manipulation of behavior is manipulation of behavior.

The fight against being manipulated then becomes the focus.

And dear teachers, you lose. Your kiddo is fighting for his life.

Prizes Demotivate? Since When?

2010-07-24T13:27:00.000-05:00

Well, since FOREVER. Really. I am not fibbing here. I am not exaggerating either. I know I can get a bit overzealous and rabid about the whole behaviorism topic. It's only because it is one of the topics I am most sure about.

You all know by now that I cannot tolerate poor methodology and practices that either do nothing or do harm. There is so much new good stuff out there, people! There is no excuse for hanging on to some of the old stuff just because it's what we have always done. It is time to take a critical look at what we have been doing and objectively and systematically deciding if it is it really effecting change or causing more stress (or worse yet... making things worse). Is what we are doing hurting or helping relationship building? Instilling a sense of well-being or increasing insecurities? Is it allowing for learners to take risks and dare to explore or is it shutting the learners down?

You know where this is going, right? Back to my favorite ponderer and questioner of all that was once thought HOLY in education, Alfie Kohn. I have some great real life examples of how rewards have demotivated, hurt relationships, stopped learning, increased undesirable behaviors (in the kids as well as the adults using this crap!)

From Punished by Rewards by Alfie Kohn.

..."rewards do not require any attention to the reasons the trouble developed in the first place." As Kohn explains, the rewards and consequences make it much easier for the behavior modifier as they never have to ask the big 'why?' questions.

How easy it that? A monkey could do it! Don't stay in your seat. No points for you! Smart ass comments. No points or recess for you! Assignment not started, completed or done right. No points, no recess, and add to that lunch in isolation for you!

The theory is (based on experiments done with rats) the student will do all he/she can to avoid no points, no recess or lunch in isolation so the undesirable behavior will diminish. Well, folks....it just ain't so. But why not? Surely if you are more persistent and more stubborn than the acting out student, the behaviors will be corrected. You can outlast this kid. You are the adult for God's sake!

And now we have a power struggle. Yep, the perfect storm for an ODD kid to dig in and take you for the ride of your life. And he will win. HE. WILL. WIN. In his mind anyway. He would rather sit in isolation from morning bell to dismissal bell than be manipulated by you and your stupid point system.

So, let's see what is lost here. A lot. And I am not even talking about the beating your ego is going to take if you persist. Losses are big and sometimes permanent. Relationship building stops, much needed and highly valuable peer interaction opportunities cease, and often times learning stops dead in its tracks. Oh yeah, this is good. Let's keep it up. Surely this kid will break soon.

Nope. You will break before him. You will get sick of isolating yourself in that room with that kid. Your anger will grow, you won't be able to take a punk kid refusing to do everything you ask of him. You will start to find even more ways to make this kid feel uncomfortable. You will just hit harder with your big old hammer. How can a kid sit all day and do nothing? Really? Isn't he going crazy yet?

Nope.

Because a kid like that is great at disassociating. Because a kid like that is SUPER sensitive to others trying to control and manipulate him. Because a kid like that is all about survival and self preservation. Because a kid like that needs control somewhere in his world because he has suffered any number of degrading, humiliating, hurtful things already. Because there is NOTHING you can do that is worse than what he has already endured. The most important thing for him is to have some control over his destiny. In his mind, this is life or death. He is in fight or flight. And he is going to show you. And he does.

And sadly, that is what happened to two of my boys during my absence last school year when my replacement built the program around tokens, points, and levels (behaviorism). They stopped learning, they found no joy in school, they further internalized their identity as being trouble makers/losers/bad seeds. They became runners, were suspended in excess of 20 days each, cost the district extra money when another paraprofessional was hired to babysit, were assigned shortened days (oh yeah, that's a great solution!), were empowered by how much control they had over others, and next year they will be placed in two more intensive/restrictive programs......that use tokens, points and levels.

What a loss.

Pondering

2010-07-12T10:44:00.000-05:00

OK, so I posted all those fabulous ponderable quotes last week. Did you all talk amongst yourselves? Don't you just love, love, love Alfie Kohn?

What I really like about Punished By Rewards is how Kohn thoroughly examines, explains and analyzes behaviorist theory, research and practice. And that brings me to yet another bee in my bonnet. (Yes, my bonnet is quite a-buzz with so many annoyances!)

Why have we become so absolutely dependent on research based practice to the exclusion of good sense, following our gut, doing what we know to be right for certain kids? Don't get me wrong. I love all the research being done now. All the new brain stuff is fascinating and has certainly opened some of the kinks in Superman's hose, however, if we had not even bothered to consider other approaches, Superman would still be lining up his toys.

What we have to be more diligent about is the analyzing of the data, really thinking about the research, how it was conducted, when, where and on what population? There are many, many variables in any research about learning, kids, the brain. We have to be careful not to overgeneralize and especially not to throw out what we know works because we cannot find any research about it.

Back to Kohn. He points out that behaviorist research was done on pigeons and rats... and then generalized to human behavior... and then we all bought it! We all started applying this stuff to humans in all sorts of environments and stuck to it (even when it was obvious it was not working) all because it was 'research based'. And then when newer research is done calling into question the effectiveness of the earlier theories and findings we ignore it all.

We humans can really be dumb. And lazy in our thinking.

So back to Superman. When I started my obsessive search for treatments and therapies for him right after he was diagnosed ( well, not really right after... I went into a three month period of denial where the 'A' word could not be used in my presence...) I kept bumping into the ABA (Lovaas) approach as it was 'research based' Note here that ABA methods are all based in behaviorist theory. No thank you. I don't want my kid looking me in the eye or saying hello because there is an M&M in it for him. I wanted him to discover relationships. So I dug deeper and once I sifted through it all I found some really good stuff that made sense. That felt right. That treated kids with Autism as people, not trainable animals.

We completely abandoned ABA methods. We joined Superman in his preferred activities. We wholly embraced and accepted him as he was and respected that he was doing certain things as a way to cope with the world because his sensory and perceptive wiring was all tangled up.

And oh my, did we get questioned. A certain ABA group in our fair state pressured me (no, harassed me) with menacing phone calls trying to guilt me into doing what was right for my kid. After all, research showed their approach worked, netted great results. Right? My gut said not. We had difficulty getting any funding for the therapies we felt best for Superman. It was a real struggle. And we aren't talking about all those strange fringe therapies that include pulling metals out of our kid and other such biomedical approaches. We are talking about Greenspan's Floor Time and The Autism Treatment Center's Son Rise approach.

What about the results, the very real results those approaches were getting? Oh I forgot, no 'real' research has been done on those approaches. You want to know why? Because you can't set that research up in such a way that allows for traditional data collection. Well, why not? Because we are dealing with HUMAN BEINGS here! Because we are counting on, relying on, human connection. Because it is the respectful relationship that makes progress possible, probable.

Sometimes we just don't have time for research to be done. Sometimes we need to act. Sometimes we need to rely more on what we know to be good and true and effective. Sometimes we really do know what we are doing...

So, I am very nervous about how much we are following, following, following. We do less and less higher level thinking and reflecting on what we have done and what we should do next. We rely less and less on relationships to show us the way. We just keep doing what doesn't work without wondering why, We blame the kids for not changing when it is the methods we are using that need to change. We come down harder and harder on the kids. The hammer just gets bigger and harder when we should be trying a different tool altogether.

And all that behaviorist research has a place. Just not in a special education classroom where kids are doing the best they can with what they have. We are making things worse. Kids are being left way behind all because they can't be manipulated by the lure of a tub of junk toys. If there is a prize in the box they want, they may do the one thing they must do to get it. But it won't be quality work. It won't be generalized to the next request. And it certainly won't be done from the place within that needs to be opened up so they can lead a productive life, hold a job and enjoy loving relationships.

Let's not be so scared to wander away from the research that has been done if it just isn't working in our situation.

And we all know from graduate school that any findings, numbers, statistics can be skewed....

Ponderable Perspectives

2010-07-08T11:29:00.000-05:00

I have been delightfully buried in some of my very favorite books and articles addressing education challenges. Here are some direct quotes from these readings. They are nothing short of delectable morsels worth every moment of pondering. Roll them around in your head like you would a fine wine on your tongue. This is the stuff of which I base my practice.

And because y' all know by now how impossible it is for me to just drop a quote on you without my opinion (you also know how I love to pontificate!), stay tuned to future blogs because each one will be pondered upon by yours truly. I just know you can't wait!

From The Trouble With Boys by Peg Tyre

"... perfectly smart kids develop at different times."

"Teachers also need to help boys develop emotional vocabulary."

"By fourth grade, though, children who attended academic preschools earned significantly lower grades - behaved worse - then children who attended play-based or mixed approach ones. The boys who were best able to keep pace wit the girls had attended the child-initiated schools. The boys who fell farthest behind the girls were the ones who had attended the academic preschools."

"Parenting has become a competitive sport."

"Boys who don't thrive in school, who disengage, and who fail to reach their potential not only are suffering assault to their self-esteem and confidence, but are setting themselves up for a life of economic insecurity."

"... using her high-powered fMRI machine, she found that boys and girls use different neural pathways to decipher simple words. Inside the "black box" of their skulls, boys and girls use different parts of their brains to read."

"The male literacy deficit is not something that is immutable and hardwired in boys. It turns out that schools may be teaching them wrong."

From Punished By Rewards by Alfie Kohn

"The underlying assumption is that there are exactly two alternatives: punitive responses or positive reinforcement, sticks or carrots, slaps or sugar plums."

"The troubling truth is that rewards and punishments are not opposites at all; they are two sides of the same coin. And that coin does not buy very much."

"Rewards usually improve performance only at extremely simple - indeed mindless - tasks, and even then they improve only quantitative performance."

" 'Do this and you will get that' turns out to be bad news.... Even assuming we have no ethical reservations about manipulating other people's behavior to get them to do what we want, the plain truth is that this strategy is likely to backfire."

"As behaviorists carefully admit, theories about rewards and various practical programs of behavior modification are mostly based on work with rats and pigeons."

"Behaviorist's conception of humans as passive beings whose behavior must be elicited by external motivation in the form of incentives is, by any measure, outdated."

"If it does make sense to measure the effectiveness of rewards on basis of whether they produce lasting change, the research suggests that they fail miserably."

".... what is not always recognized is, first, just how utterly unsuccessful rewards really are across situations, and second, just how devastating in indictment is contained in this fact."

Ponder away.

Closure Is A Good Thing

2010-07-01T15:24:00.003-05:00

I get up this morning at 5ish having slept about 15 minutes the whole night.

I did some laundry and some corresponding, dressed and headed over to school a bit before 8.

I have my ID badge that unlocks the main doors, no room key as principal said it would be open, remember?

Get to school, my badge lets me in.

Go upstairs, my door is locked and as I peer in, I note that it is so full furniture from another classroom I am not sure I will be able to get to my stuff.

Luckily there is major demolition/construction going on to install write boards so I ask one of those guys to let me in.

In I go. I took very little. I left so much stuff and realized this is probably how my aunt felt when she was facing terminal cancer. She just detached form her belongings.

I only took my favorite workbooks to use as examples in my university methods course, my very-own-made-up-and-invented-by- little-old-me-mediation tools. I was about done hefting all this crap in a laundry basket and a milk crate and wandered over to the big cabinet.

And. Was. Horrified.

Blatantly staring at me were three gigondo clear plastic bins filled with junkie toys. One bin labeled, 500 points. One labeled 1,000 points. One labeled 1,500 points. And in each bin the size of the junk items grew in proportion to the number on the corresponding bin.

I actually yelled out, "Oh know! What the fuck?"

I slammed the doors fast.

At this point may I encourage (insist) you all refer to Alfie Kohn's book, Punished By Rewards and then have a look at Daniel Pink's book, Drive.

So on with the morning. I sit at Aunt Sally. I hang on to her. I actually stroke her solid, smoothly worn beams. I cry. I finally cry. I realize I am most sad about leaving Aunt Sally. I apologized to her for not being used last year and that I would do all I could to get her back to kids.

I schlepp my stuff (just three loads) to the front door and hear my phone ring. Not once, not twice, but three different times.

I load the car, check voice mail and hear the superintendent called and wants me to call him back. You read that right, SUPERINTENDENT. Oh brother.

I come home, have a nervous breakdown, talk to Hub and a sister to get my mojo going and return the call to THE SUPERINTENDENT.

Long story short, it was a pleasant call. We exchanged a few jokes, he addressed all points in my letter to him, apologized (yes, APOLOGIZED) for not getting back to me about the November issue. He told me he greatly appreciated my work, he even referenced Aunt Sally. I told him I appreciate him taking the time to call and address my concerns, I wished him well and told him I would be ready and willing to assist the district in any way.

OK, so it was damage control.

But I will take it. Closure done professionally. Too bad my principal couldn't do that.

Ooooh, gotta go, I see another door opening!

Wow, That Door Really Hurt When It Hit My Ass.

2010-06-30T22:25:00.000-05:00

Well, well, well.

My resignation was received Tuesday by noon. My job was posted by noon today.

By 11 this morning my principal sent an all staff email announcing I had decided to resign from the district using the usual administrative one line bullshit about thanking me for my years of service to the district and the students.

By 3 this afternoon I was booted off school email.

Tomorrow I am going into my room to pack up the rest of my stuff. Principal won't be there, she assures me my pass will work to get me in the door and that my room will be unlocked.

Any bets on that? My pass key won't work and room will be locked.

Downtown is partying tonight and will continue to do so into the school year.......

..... until they see my name on the next school board ballot.

And you know what? I don't think we are irreplaceable in any meaningful way. I think we are only replaceable in the any-warm-body-will-work sense.

I am sad.

And The Door Has Hit Me In The Ass

2010-06-29T10:49:00.000-05:00

So, it is now official. I have submitted my written resignation to the school board and superintendent. The Superintendent also got a two page letter outlining how I arrived at my decision to leave. It outlined the unresolved issue from November as well as concerns I have about the special education department. I was careful not to name names or use specific examples of stupidity. I offered my assistance and let him know I was going to still be around as a parent of special needs kiddos in his district. I informed him that while I was counseled to seek legal action regarding the November incident, I chose not to in hopes that bringing awareness about it there would be no further victims of this sort of harassment.

Yeah, I know. Why waste my breath.

I guess I am treating him like I would my students. Ever hopeful that once in a while what I have to say has of a bit of value and will stick.

But I did make good points that I felt were necessary to expose. Not for revenge. Not to be fixed. But to be the voice of those unheard and uncared for. One of the most important being two African American boys expelled from our district after they left my program... at the end of the year after I begged for reasonable help and was told to suck it up. Yep, expelled because our district placed them in a resource program where they were certain to be unsuccessful. So, isn't it our fault they failed? Shouldn't other placements have been tried? Shouldn't I have been consulted before this decision was made? I knew these boys and although they were quite prickly, I deeply cared for them. Shouldn't we all be doing everything we can to make sure they graduate from high school?

And my second point was about how our district keeps hiring special needs teachers for less than 1.0 FTE. Really? My kid has autism ALL day, not just .6 of the day. Do any of you know any CD, EBD, AUT or LD kid that is only challenged by his/her disability a fraction of the day? Oh, if only. Geez, what I would pay to have Movie Man and Superman special needs for only .6 of the day.

I included a bit in my letter about the lack of vision, effective leadership and planning in the special ed department. I had to. You know I did.

But what was good about the letter is that it was not angry. It was out of deep concern.

So, I mailed the letters at the post office to guarantee I would not dig the envelope out of my own mailbox and then sent it all to my principal electronically so she would get it a few hours ahead of Downtown Suits. She called this AM. I did not take the call. I know I need to return that call, but just cannot right now. She is not going to care much at all about me leaving. She will care that she has to find another EBD teacher this summer.

I am in a state of grievous shock right now. Even so, I did the absolute right thing. I will continue to advocate as I always have. My audience has simply changed.

My blogging will continue as I have just gotten started. We have so much more to share, to explore and to bitch about, don't we?

I can only imagine what cleaning out my classroom will bring to the surface.

Thank goodness I have therapy scheduled today!

I Statements

2010-06-27T12:52:00.000-05:00

Let me introduce you to a woman I respect greatly. Not only for her personal journey, but for her clear and consistent common sense message.

What brings me to this introduction is yesterday's post. I mentioned 'I' statements the kindergarden teacher was using and was reminded of a great piece written by Jane Bluestein about how bogus the 'I' statement concept is.

Check out Jane's website. Read what she offers up. So much of it is free and easily accessed. All of it is relevant, true, and right on.

I want to be like her when I grow up.

Poor Ben

2010-06-26T12:40:00.003-05:00

Just spent a frustrating half hour watching a show called Kindergarden on HBOF-W. Original showing was in 2001 and all I can say is I hope to hell the teacher on the show is no longer teaching. Poor Ben. This little guy was adorable and just needed a teacher who understood.

My God, all she did was 'Blah, blah, blah, bah blah". And so much of it was all about her. "I am so disappointed. I am having trouble teaching with you in the room." Was she trying to use 'I' statements? Did she think that would help out this little guy? She was also big on pulling Ben out of the group and timing him out. No reteaching, no examples, no engaging Ben in positive activities, no practicing with his peers. Just a bunch of lecturing and demeaning scolds. And to top it off she sent a horribly nasty note home with Ben to his parents about how nasty he was that day after he had to meet with the principal! Are you kidding me? From where I sat, Ben was just a little short on impulse control. He was sweet, and seemed genuinely confused. He was not hurtful. He was annoying, but not hurtful. He was smart and personable and just a regular little kindergardener trying to figure it out and get along.

Here is the perfect example of a teacher thinking that if the student could repeat back what the right choice would be, he could follow through and actually do the right thing. Some kids can give you the right answer all the time and put that into action. Other kids can give you the right answer but cannot walk the talk. Some kids know the right thing to do and do it. Some know the right thing to do and WON'T do it. Some kids know the right thing to do and CAN'T do it. Some kids don't know what to do.

Turning what one knows to be the right choice into action is really hard for some kids. It's our job to figure it out why and then how to help them along.

The absolute wrong thing to do is to talk, talk, talk and use guilt and personal disappointment as the motivator. You run the risk of kids internalizing all sorts of negative things about themselves. Once a kiddo starts believing there is something wrong with him/her, you have a long and hard road to changing that belief. And it is from that belief that many more wrong choices are made. This is a horrible thing to do to a kindergardener who is actually doing his best.

So, why am I so agitated by this? All the rage is bubbling up again. We make so many mistakes with kids and then consequence them for not turning out like we think they should.

I guess it is simply the injustice of it all that gets me. Way too much of this going on.

Let's be more careful out there, people.

Slowly Disengaging and Coming to Terms

2010-06-25T11:40:00.000-05:00

This morning I got a call from my dear friend and best paraprofessonal ever. She is my soul sister. Sister is my age, feisty, smart, caring, and dedicated. I love her.

So, she asks if we can go out to celebrate. I asked what we were celebrating and she replied we should celebrate me coming back. I told her that was not the case, but I have not made it official as of yet. She was a true friend and supported me... but as her true self told me to shit or get off the pot. She is right, of course.

She catches me up about school stuff, especially about my favorite ever student. He was in a world of hurt all year. Anyway, Sister says she stayed connected to him all year despite the disproval of the teacher and other paraprofessional in EBDland. I was glad to hear that she worked her magic as often as she could throughout the year. But it was hard on her. Very hard on her. Luckily she only works afternoons so could swoop in like a breath of fresh air every single day. And she was a breath of fresh air. Every single day.

She fills me in more about how the year went. How fiercely she and favorite student ever hugged and cried the last day of school. I think he knows he won't be back. I think he knows his days in his second home are over. I think he knows he is walking out the door alone to face whatever condition the district has in mind for him. And it is certainly not in his best interest.

I feel so guilty. I wonder if things would not have gotten so bad if I had stayed. If he could have stayed through 6th grade, just one more year, if I had stayed. I abandoned him. I hope he forgives me.

Or maybe I am full of delusions of grandeur and he would have been in this much trouble regardless of who was in charge of EBDland. He has so much to deal with in his young life. But I would have been there to love him, to provide a safe place for him, to help him work through some of it all, to help fill some of the gaping holes in his psyche. To just be a safe place. He needs a safe place.

And so do I. And it is not as EBD teacher in a dysfunctional crazy making system.

But how are others coping? Why can't I?

And One More For My Bag of Affirmations

2010-06-24T22:52:00.000-05:00

OK, last night was lovely. I had a great session with my therapist about my kids and then met a wonderful friend for a long dinner over a bottle of wine and some fondue. We talked about my decision to leave EBDland and try working with teachers in training. I expressed I was feeling quite certain and the thought of running for the local school board is sooo sweet for so many vengeful reasons.

Today I get up and do all the things I do after sending Movie Man off to summer school. There was very little drama today. Thank. You. Universe!

I carry a cup of heavily creamed java to my bedroom, crawl back in bed and read a novel. I won't lie. I dozed. Right after lunch it was off to Social Thinkers Group with Superman.

And then I bumped into a fellow special education teacher over the bin of potatoes at the neighborhood grocery. I love this woman. She saved Superman this year. A remarkable teacher. Anyway, she shared with me that the very special education administrator that caused all my pain and suffering is being reassigned back to the very schools that they took her out of last year.

And that is when the always- there- but- dormant- for- the- day- stuff boiled up and over. I mean from deep down under the extra three rolls of fat I am storing around my belly. It stabs and claws its way up through my heart, spins around my brain, snags on emotions, and implants rage. Angry hot rage that I cannot let go of without a xanax.

What the fuck. Sorry, but what the fuck? I am experiencing such a huge disconnect. Someone please help me out here.

This woman is mean, worthless, has no real experience, no useful knowledge base and is hurtful. She is also stupid. Yet she sits in a nice office, pulls in a great salary, and goes through each and every day believing she is good at what she does. Since she still has her job, any outsider would assume she has it because she is effective, knowledgeable, and real leadership material.

But she is not! She is not. She is not.

And here is what scares me. The remarkable teacher who saved Superman this year wants to leave her position at Superman's school to avoid being victimized again by the particular administrator.

This is wrong. So very wrong.

I am outraged at the injustice of this.

I am really so tired of the world as it is. I don't feel there is any hope.

...........but I have one more affirmation in my bag that leaving is the right thing to do.

And I just feel sick tonight.

On The Home Front

2010-06-23T11:10:00.000-05:00

Summer is here. The kitchen is open 24/7. Soggy pool towels and swimming trunks litter the kitchen and bedroom floors. The dog is smellier. New reasons to loathe my body as more parts are exposed because wearing a wool sweater to the pool doesn't work. The noise level is much increased as the boys are annoying each other for sport.

Movie Man hit a wall when summer school started. It was ugly. His anxiety is debilitating and as his mother it is time to find more aggressive and therapeutic approaches to relieve his pain. I signed him up for two summer school classes at the middle school he will attending next fall. The thought was that time spent this summer in his new school would help alleviate some anxiety in the fall. I carefully chose nonacademic classes so he could find ways to shine and demonstrate his love and knowledge of things he has skills. So Movie Man is taking Leadership in Film and Digital Editing. Perfect for him, right?

Nope. Hub and I have had to literally pull him out of bed, carry him to the shower, put him in the shower and dress him more than once. Movie Man gets so irrational he is unable to even express his worries. It is all just a bundle of intensely uncomfortable feelings he has no language for, no maturity to understand. All he knows is that he has to fly. Adapt, move on or die. Flight or fight. Hide under your bed, make outrageous emotionally charged statements in hopes your parents will feel so sorry for you they will let you quit or run away.

Well, none of it worked. While my heart broke for him, I knew I had to see him through it to the the other side. I had to show him I believed he would be OK. I had to show him he could do it.

So after days of very troubled and upsetting mornings, he now goes off to summer school barely on time, but anxiety free. With patient persistence and acute observation and quick calls to his teachers to check in so we could correct Movie Man's perceptions of what was going on, we were able to learn more about Movie Man. His learning disability and processing speed make him feel he is going to miss important information. And he does miss important information. But once he has the information he needs, he is very capable, insightful and a wonderful contributor to his classes. It is that space between what the teacher says and when Movie Man is supposed to respond or perform that he gets lost in the abyss of anxiety. The anxiety then makes it impossible to listen and understand. The cycle is relentless. It is debilitating. It is paralyzing.

Add to the summer to do list.... get a good cognitive behavioral therapist for Movie Man and a good pediatric psych for a medication consultation.

Superman is now taking piano lessons from a lady in the neighborhood. He looks so absolutely autistic when taking his piano lessons. Parent Smackdown! All that autism affect kicks in when he is in a new place and it is not pleasant to watch. But, I am learning how to help him. I sit next to him in his lessons and the teacher is a dear. She is willing to stick with it, wants to learn how to help him, and is very flexible. I love the methods she uses and we are sticking with it. 30 minutes is too long. So I take the visual timer with us to the lessons and set it for 20 minutes and put it on the piano. We practice in bits and pieces throughout the day in short little blips. I have learned that once Superman is shown what to do, he does it flawlessly. It will be slow going. It will be challenging. We will all benefit.

And best of all... Movie Man and Superman can be left alone for up to 2 hours!!!!! Oh the freedom!

I am off to lunch with my best friend. The boys are engrossed in making a movie. I know they will call me a hundred times while I am away. That's OK. We are clearly moving forward and that is cause for real celebration.

Affirmation and Fanning My Little Flame

2010-06-23T10:35:00.003-05:00

I went to visitation for a teacher pal's father. This man was a great guy, fought the fought, lived a full life, and produced one of the best teachers I know. May he rest in peace.

Since my teacher pal is wildly popular, well loved and a lifelong local gal, going to the visitation necessitated I spend time chit chatting and catching up with my colleagues. How many times was I asked if I was coming back? How many times did I say I was uncertain? What a liar! I know full well I am not going back.

There. I said it. I meant it. I mean it still today.

The content of the chit chat and catching up was affirmation I have made the right decision. It is the same old crap as when I left.
Only worse.

Many of my pals were scheduled to spend two days in an expensive training for PBIS. Another fad recipe approach to school wide behavior management. Check it out if you like. It is simply common sense marketed. Expensive in dollars as well as time.

By now you all know I don't cotton to any recipe (even in my kitchen) excepting Social Thinking as that is truly a gifted program for kids on the spectrum when used appropriately. This resistance to following a recipe may be a real fault at times. But it serves me well as a teacher. I take time to know my kids. I take time to understand their strengths. I take time to build meaningful relationships with each of them. I constantly gather thoughts, opinions, information, theories, strategies, tools, methodologies that might help the kids.

EBD kiddos have a multitude of issues. Learning, behavioral, self-regulatory, emotional, and comorbidity or mental health issues. They are not comfortable at school. They are not comfortable at home. They are not comfortable with peers. They are not comfortable in their own skin.

My job is to make them comfortable enough to learn. We all know that the learner is most effective when they are calm, comfortable, feeling safe, are not in states of deprivation, and believe they can learn. Manipulating them to conform through points and levels does not make them feel safe.

Learning is risky business.

So, back to PBIS. How does that help the kids on the fringe? It doesn't. But, that is what my district has decided to do with stimulus money.

So there is one issue. Another is that they have yet to figure out what to do with my favorite student of all time. Director tells principal that he is taking the lead on this one. HUH? Where has he been all year?

And another issue is that the district has decided to start a ONE YEAR EBD program in one of the elementary schools. Really? I suspect they are just trying to find a place to put my favorite student of all time for the one year remaining before middle school. They don't know what they are calling this program, what its purpose will be and who it will serve.

I could go on and on. I will spare you. Bottom line is that we are victims of very poor management. The mediocre top keeps recruiting and promoting the mediocre underlings to join them downtown. Mediocrity breeds mediocrity but that mediocrity expects perfection from teachers and students per high stakes testing scores.

Too much wrong, too late in the game, too many kids being left behind. Public schools aren't any longer what they were intended to be. I, for one, am not going to let them go down without a huge fight. We can do this, people We can make public schools what they should be. We can.

We have to.

Out Of The Mouth Of A Retired (Thank God) Teacher

2010-06-18T13:00:00.000-05:00

A retired teacher I know as an acquaintance threw her two cents at me when I said I was going to run for the school board once I resign from my teaching position.

Here is what came out of her mouth and I was rendered speechless.

"You absolutely will have to do something about the migrant kids that leave school for 6 weeks every year to go visit their families in Mexico. They should all be retained. They don't do any work while they are gone and come back very behind. You can't catch them up."

This came out of the mouth of a retired MUSIC teacher! What the hell does she care? Were those kids ever so far behind in her music classes it out her under duress when they came back? Why is this such a burning issue for her? Why such anger and disgust?

So, I pondered this all night. This morning I decided what I would do if I were Queen of the School District.

First, I would make sure we all understand and honor different cultural needs regarding family obligation and traditions.
Second, I would get the ELL administrators and lead teachers to help me out from this point on.
Third, I would meet with a handful of teachers who are dealing with this issue and learn what they find to be most problematic.
Third, I would ask all of the above what they see as possible solutions... without monetary restraints.
Fourth, I would try to start a summer school program specifically for this group of students where they could get ongoing academic boosts, reteaches, ELL support.
Fifth, I would ask our district ELL experts to provide supports to parents before and after the yearly trips to Mexico.

I am absolutely sure this would be met with arguing, nay sayers, and can't do its.

I am ready for the fight.

Bring it on.

You can't scare me. I was in EBDland for 18 years.

We need to do right by our students. Every. Single. One. Of. Them.

Fuel For The Fire And I Am Only Gonna Get Louder and More in Their Faces

2010-06-14T10:33:00.000-05:00

Fueled by my frustration, no, outrage!, at all that happened in EBDland last year as well as working with an exceptional therapist, I am no longer on the fence.

I have been reading Alfie Kohn (my absolute education soulmate) and reflecting on what happened to my program in my absence. I was hoping to find some tidbit that supported what was done in my absence. I was really hoping to find some kernel, some nugget of support for what happened. Just ONE bit that would explain why my replacement used the tactics she did and why on earth my principal supported it.

You may ask why I would be doing this. Well, I am trying to embrace differences in teaching styles, trying to make peace with what happened, even entertaining the idea that I don't know everything. I know. BIG step for me.

Long story short. Alfie set me straight and confirmed that my replacement teacher was full of shit.

What brought me here?

I went to the neighborhood pool last week with my own kids. Since the school I teach in is in one of the neighborhoods this pool services, I usually see many kids I know. I ignore other people's kids unless they approach me.

So, I get approached. BY MY ALL TIME VERY FAVORITE STUDENT. This kid and I have been together since he was a first grader. He just finished 5th grade. And we all know how much life goes on between first and 6th grade. Favorite Kid is deeply disturbed, a budding schizophrenic (like his father), very bright (unlike his developmentally disabled and mentally ill mother), paranoid, abused, neglected, and likely to flashback in times of stress. He cannot read, but is a math wizard. He is an incredible problem solver and has a heart as big as the state of Texas when he feels safe. He is also as mean as a snake and oppositional defiant. But I love this kid. I am devoted to this kid. My heart breaks for this kid. I have called social services on his behalf so many times I lost count.

Favorite Kid sits right down next to me and says, "I thought I recognized the back of your head." HA! It did occur to me that on a bad day if he had a projectile, that would not be so good of a thing, to recognize the back of my head. Anyway, we chat. No eye contact. No surprise. But he is sitting on his right hand as if he is hiding something. I don't point that out, we just chat about the school year, how it went, what next year might bring. If I am coming back. If he is coming back. As he relaxes, his right hand comes out of hiding and it is in a big white bandage. As I chat without comment regarding the hand, he starts unwinding the bandage and exposes a tear in his palm and it is sporting 5 stitches. So I casually ask what happened and he says, "My mom hit me with the broom when I tried to take a sip of her beer."

WHAT!?!?!? And social services knows this. And social services reports they are all tapped out with this family. WHAT!?!?!?! HUH?!?!?!? How about we remove the kids from their home? Why didn't they do this 3 years ago when all hell was breaking loose and mom was bringing strange men home and these men were doing things to Favorite Kid and his little sister?

Anyway, Favorite Kid also tells me he thinks he is going to end up at a different school and will probably have to repeat 5th grade.

WHAT!?!?!?! Repeat 5th grade and they also left him with a whole summer to wonder what the hell is going to happen to him next fall! Are you kidding me? Is that remotely humane, fair or sensitive to his mental health needs?

I asked him why he thought all those things might happen. He matter-of-factly said that he didn't do any work at all. All year. He said there was no way he was gonna do anything just for points that earn him recess.

Enter Alfie Kohn. His excellent book about the dangers of rewards, the actual harm programs based on tokens and rewards cause, is my bible. Favorite Kid could be the poster child for all Alfie Kohn has figured out about reward systems.

So, what happened in EBDland with Favorite Kid is the total responsibility of the adults, not Favorite Kid's. So, because the adults use the absolute wrong approach, did not assess and then reassess his response to a very wrong and counter productive approach this kid is going to suffer life altering consequences.

Because all the adults in his life made repeated bad calls... let's retain the kid, put him in a different program in a different school, never let him out for recess, keep him isolated from his peer group. Yeah, we'll show him! That will make him straighten up! That will fix his wagon! He'll think twice about messing with us next time he wants to be noncompliant by refusing to do that worksheet in front of him.... Favortie Kid will very likely never recover and become yet another horrible statistic in the world of metal health and the prison system.

So, can I go back to that shit? Can I possibly find my way back to that dysfunction?

No. I am way too angry. I will effect change by bringing these stories to teachers in training. I will bring change by securing a position on the district school board. I will have a much louder and clearer voice on such issues outside of the dysfunction.

No more fence sitting. Letter of resignation in the works and will be delivered by the end of the month.

And, no, I am not done with public education. I am not done trying to make things right.

Oh no, I have just begun.

Or Not....

2010-06-06T11:09:00.002-05:00

Someone please help me out here! OK, I am in therapy AND I am still all over the map. I obviously need more than therapy. This is the first time in my life I have been so indecisive, so emotionally bogged down, so lacking in confidence about making the right choice.

Here is all the feedback I have been getting and my interpretations.

1. Got my first tattoo and love it, feel more connected to the most unconditionally loving person from my childhood. The rosebush that I dug up from her yard after she died is in full and glorious bloom outside my dining room window. This is a miracle, peeps, because she was dead three years ago and plucked from her fertile bed and tossed behind a bush where she lay dormant for a full year and then was reborn. No lie.

She loved little red birds, so I had this one designed in her honor.

Rosebush back from the dead. Really!

Interpretation.... dead grandma is celebrating my decision to leave EBDland.

2. Got ignored for two weeks by university when I asked when I might get an official offer and a contract.

Interpretation.... they don't really want me and don't care enough to treat me like a professional person so I should NOT leave EBDland.

3. Got email from University after 2 weeks with a lame explanation of how long these things take and that they are waiting on enrollment and money before making offers final, but here are examples of the syllabi and the titles of the texts for the classes.

Interpretation...Oh NO! By the end of summer they will not be offering me a contract because we all know the world will be ending soon, there is no money and I won't have an income next year so I need to say NO to university and stay in EBDland.

4. Get an email from principal inviting me to special ed scheduling for next year meetings. I agree to go, show up, get weird vibe from principal, many hugs and confirmation from fellow teachers that they are relieved I am coming back. EBDland has been trashed in my absence.

Intepretation.... I am meant to be here, my work is not finished in EBDland.

5. Sit through said meeting and leave feeling very, very ill. Take a nap upon arriving home.

Interpretation... DO NOT GO BACK TO THE SAME OLD SHIT IN EBDLAND!

6. Meet with university friend of many years. He assures me the secretary who sent me the email does not have the whole picture, there will be plenty of work at university, my name is thrown around ( in a good way) all the time, this is what I need to do, many doors and opportunities will present once I get started. He went on and on about all the pluses and reminds me of what a wreck I was for the last 2 years in EBDland.

Interpretation.... Get the hell out of EBDland. Once I let go and fully embrace this next stage in my career lots of good will happen.

7. I attend second scheduling meeting and although I love good teacher banter and had a good time surrounded by my colleagues (who I love so dearly), I left feeling ill and full of memories of how dreadful much of my job was and will continue to be.

Interpretation.... Get the hell out of EBDland... maybe. I miss the collegiality. Desperately.

8. Go to a psychic for a quick 15 minute read (took my new college grad niece for a long reading at her request for one of her graduation presents) and within seconds was told my work is not yet done in special ed.

Interpretation... my first inclination is that I need to go back to EBDland. But after a few days realize I would still be in special ed at university.

9. Tell my family I think I am staying in EBDland. They all gasp. Some rant, some look very worried, some refuse to speak to me about it. No one cheered in favor.

Interpretation... those who love me want me sane and safe and clearly believe that cannot happen in EBDland. I should listen to them because I cannot hear my own self.

10. Go to therapy. After much questioning (hard questions were posed, people) and honest answering ensued. Walked out knowing in my heart I need to write the resignation letter.

Interpretation... I need to commit to one thing or another and I most likely need to embrace a new day dawning, a new career direction. It is time.

But wait! Part time at university does not allow for payment into my retirement. My salary would be so very low.

But wait! I would have more time to ponder, to explore other options. Would be exposed to things I don't even know about today. Would have more flexibility in my schedule to still have coffee and lunch with new dear friends. Would have time for my own kids that life in EBDland does not allow. And as my university pal said... it is only part time first semester, maybe second. Being there will ensure eventual full time work if I want it.

I think what is holding me back is my grief about the loss of my EBDland identity. 18 years is a long time.

I have walked away from other EBDland jobs without looking back.

The difference is I always walked right into another EBDland job.

This is the hardest thing I have ever done.

And the Decision Has Been Made......

2010-05-09T09:47:00.000-05:00

Well, sort of.

I know all of you patient readers are sick, sick, sick of my fence sitting and angst.

I received an informal email offer to teach two sections of an advanced methods course and do some supervising of practicum and student teachers next year by a nearby university. No contract yet, but I am penciled in for these assignments. I have agreed to the assignment in another informal email. I am good with the informality but have not resigned from my EBD teaching position yet.

Why not? Well, I love the security of having that contract and EBD teacher assignment in my hand. But I think I have processed a good part of the grief. I think I am ready to move out of EBDland and into a new place in my career. I think I am ready. I think.....

It will be great to pass the baton, to impart all my EBDland wisdom to special education teacher wannabes, to tell my tales, to hold them to a high standard of performance, to expect nothing but the best from them, to not inflate grades or pass them on if I don't think they are ready. It will be great.

Right?

Won't it?

Research-Based Best Practice. HUH?

2010-05-04T12:38:00.000-05:00

Yes, most of us know that the law requires us to use research-based best practice while teaching everything from calculus to social skills.

Yes, most of us would love to know what those most current research-based best practices are.

Yes, most of us would also like to say that just because something is research-based, does not mean it is necessarily useful in our specific situations or that the data wasn't skewed so the researcher could publish or prove his/her assumption true.

Yes, most of us would also like to be acknowledged for all the great methodologies and strategies we use daily that are based in us just being good teachers.

I am not saying research isn't a great thing. It is. Without it we would not be where we are in so many areas. But what I am saying is that some long ago research-based practices are outdated and no longer work. And that some of those practices were never really all that anyway.

One such strategy is using only ABA methods with AUT kids. Even though it is really the only well researched, much published and practiced method for working with AUT kids, it is NOT, by any means, THE BESTEST and ONLY way to work with AUT kids. In fact, there are some great newer methods that work really well, even better for some AUT kids. Greenspan's Floor Time, Autism Treatment Center's Son Rise Program, just having a relationship with the kids, meeting the kids where they are...

Or the emphasis on behavior modification, level systems and token economies. Do they work? Yes, absolutely in certain situations, with certain kids, and with very specific goals in mind. Do they work with all kids, in all situations, for the long term, or with certain mental health issues? Absolutely NOT. In fact, if used inappropriately, they cause harm, they alienate, they don't extinguish target behaviors. There are other great tools like cognitive behavioral therapy, using a psycho educational approach, feedback, Richard Lavoie's methods for helping kids socially, just having a relationship with the kids, meeting the kids where they are......

It is just hard to measure these alternative methods using traditional research protocol. But does that mean they aren't effective? Does that mean we should not use them?

Let's keep our wits about us, not throw common sense to the wind.

What I propose is that we stop staying in our academic heads only and do what all great teachers have been doing since the beginning of time. Be smart about how we teach, know our kids, and love them, work our asses off, and never stop looking for and trying any solution that looks like it just might work.... researched or not.

This Cannot Be True

2010-05-03T20:09:00.002-05:00

This is for real.

My favorite and most challenging student of ALL TIME has been in crisis all year. Since I have been all but banned from my old school due to replacement teacher's issues with me, I have not been able to stay closely involved. I am one of a very few people this kiddo with attachment issues ever bonded to. So, as his behaviors have increased this year... directly due to the level system they insist on using with him... those in charge of him have done the following:

They have NOT taken him off the level system even though it has proven not only ineffective but harmful.
They HAVE suspended him more than 20 days this year.
They HAVE rewritten his IEP 5 times this year.
They HAVE hired another parapro to help with him.
They HAVE shortened his school day.

WHAT????

They shortened a 5th grader's school day?

So, now he is loose in the community when he really should be in school?

In school with people who take the time to understand him and care for him?

How can this be right?

While my head is still trying to wrap around this, I hear this one. One day last week after this kiddo had done NOTHING all day, and I mean nothing at all, the parapro bagged up all the soon -to- expire- unopened- but- confiscated- by- my- parapro -while- on -lunch -duty- and put- in- the- EBDland- refrigerator- cartons -of- lunch- milk and gave them to my kiddo to take home. A very impoverished home, by the way.

The milks were not given as a reward. They were not given with any sort of praise attached. They were just quietly bagged up and handed off when he left for the day. This was done a million times under my watch. No biggie, right?

WRONG!

So, unproductive kiddo leaves for the day with half a dozen little cartons of milk and my second replacement teacher scolds my parapro for giving the kid the milk.

"I would rather have had you pour that milk down the drain than give it to him."

Again, real good job people. Real good job.

EBD Kids Go To Camp.

2010-04-29T09:39:00.000-05:00

News from my old room is very sad. Very sad, indeed.

Last week was 6th grade overnight camp. A time intensive preparation of EBD kiddos has always been necessary to ensure their success. Luckily all the teachers that go believe strongly, passionately, unquestioningly that this camp is good for my EBD kiddos. Bless their hearts. And it ALWAYS turns out to be a really good thing. My kiddos come back exhilarated and more confident. OK, it only lasts a few days and often times that high has worn off over the weekend of being back in their dysfunctional families, but hey, they feel good for 2 1/2 days. We will take it.

So, flashback to three years ago.

One year I had a kiddo who was 12 going on 30 as an inmate, had gang affiliations, a mother who earned extra cash spending time with men of all sorts on the sleeper sofa in the living room and whose breast fell out of her shirt numerous times during an IEP meeting go to camp.

But he almost didn't.

But because we had prepared several backup plans and enlisted our PSL to go to camp that year we got him there. We knew he would try to sabotage it. We knew he was anxious. We knew the beautiful world of camp was a foreign to him as Italy and as such seemed quite scary to my kiddo. But being the thug he was, he could not show his fear.... we knew he would do all he could to make it look like he wanted to go all the while throwing boulders in front of himself so he would not have to go.

Remember, I have been doing this 18 years. I was totally on to him.
So I had gathered ALL things on the packing list two days ahead of time and had them in my room. I went through it all with him so he was familiar with it. Sleeping bag, flashlight, toothbrush and toothpaste, deodorant, soap, extra socks... all the stuff we knew he did not have.

As Thug left school the afternoon before they were to leave for camp, he was saying he was going and would be at school on time the next morning.

I knew better. He still had not turned in the permission slip even though I gave his a new one every single day for two weeks.

So, Thug shows up right at the bell the next morning with no permission slip, no extra clothes and says, he just cannot go, he forgot all his stuff.

Ah shucks, SORRY Mr. Thug! You are going. Back up plan in place, we stuff Mr. Thug in LD teacher who was going to camp's car. She drives like a bat out of hell to his house, gets Thug's mom out of bed, shoves the permission slip at her with a pen, and tells our boy to get packing. He has 10 minutes as the bus was waiting for him at school. His mom was very bleary eyed and although it was explained to her that her dear little thug would be gone for two nights, she didn't retain that bit of information...not that she looked for her missing thug that night or anything..... but she did make a call to the school the second day in wondering if her dear thug made it to school that morning!

This is where I could start a rant about social services, but I will spare you.

Anyway, they make it back to school in time. Mr. Thug gets on the bus and off they go.

Then I get the call. THE. CALL.

From camp.

From the PSL who was at camp.

I almost did not answer the phone when I saw who it was.

But I answered and here is what I heard.

"Mrs. Teacher! This is Thug! Thanks for making me go to camp! I am having a blast! See you Friday!"

Flash forward to this year in EBDland. Where I am not.

Student girl with major mental health problems as well as gender identity issues goes to camp. Girl is a chronic bed wetter. We are talking big bed ruining puddles every night. I know this about her. I have worked with her for 4 years. My paras knew this about her.... but nobody... NOBODY!!!! (including Girl's mother) prepared her or the others for this. No Depends were packed by mom, no school personnel made sure this was covered. They just sent her to camp to wet her sleeping bag and ruin her cot. For two nights in a row.

Well, gee, she already has no friends and is considered really weird by her peers. So let's send her to camp with no support for this nighttime problem of hers.

So, for two nights in a row she flooded her sleeping bag. Sleeping bag got hung outside to dry the first morning. The second morning, Girl knew she was going home later that day so just did not report the bed wetting to anyone. Predictably, Girl got really defensive and ugly when others noticed and unkindly ridiculed her. The rest of the day was difficult and she came back to school with everyone thinking she is even a bigger loser and she is even more alienated.

Good job, everyone. Good job.

Cattle Calls and Teacher Degradation Push Me Off the Fence

2010-04-15T10:26:00.003-05:00

So yesterday after school was our district's annual high drama cattle call. It is degrading beyond belief. It has nothing to do with professionalism, talents, being qualified (other than on paper) for the job. It is all about strategy and using your seniority to get what you want. Administrators have no voice in who comes to their schools. Some experienced and savvy teachers know how to use their seniority by picking up and leaving positions throughout the five or six rounds of this process.

Here is how it's done.

Every spring, all teachers get a staffing needs list for the following year. The list is organized by department and is quite lengthy. So, a teacher looks over the list and finds something they are interested in taking and goes to the is event. I will refer to the event from here on as Teacher Degradation (TD).

For the week or so prior to TD, teachers begin strategizing. Rumors of all sorts fly. Teachers start figuring out how to get the domino topple reaction to allow them to slide into a position they want. They start figuring out how to get to their final destination and that may involve taking a position they don't want in the first round, so that a person they heard wants their current position will take it, which then leaves that position empty for the second round. They hear somewhere that a teacher (whose job the original teacher wants) in another building wants that newly vacant job. So by round three the teacher gets to jump from the job they took but don't want to the job they originally had their eye on.

Confused? Me too. And put into that mix that this takes place in the gym of one of the schools and the postings are listed and updated by department in alphabetical order on a huge screen for all to see, administrators standing round in the background, union officials scrutinizing every move and ensuring the contract is honored, rules and exceptions beyond comprehension to follow, crappy 6th grade fund raiser snacks for sale in the foyer of the host school, teachers sitting in cliquish clusters offering support as well as gathering information from other groups about who is moving where and when, all the rules and regs for playing the game if you are on layoff status or a teacher with a contract for next year but no assignment. Each round includes every posting from every department in alpha order. We go from Art through special ed, position by position in EVERY round.

And all of this depends on YOUR SENIORITY to the DAY of when you signed your contract. Yep, I signed my contract at 4:00 one afternoon, you signed yours the next morning at 8:00 and I have seniority over you. Let's not consider the talents of each candidate. That simply does not matter. I signed my contract the last minute of the work day prior to you signing yours the first minute of the next work day and I win.

And by the way... you cannot enter TD without first getting your very own, specially made just for you for this occasion sheet of paper with your name, your seniority number, a list of your certifications, and current assignment. And also by the way.... if you have not completed 3 years in the district you can go into TD, but you cannot play and your piece of paper is a different color so you don't try to slip in where not wanted. When a position you want is called, you go line up and a union rep puts you all in order of seniority and you go into THE ROOM which is out of sight and full of union people with clipboards and a variety of higher up district administrators and people from human services checking and rechecking your certifications and your seniority. Those waiting in the gym then watch the big screen for a job to be crossed off and the new position left open by you taking that new position to be posted for the next round. People in line leave crying because they did not get the position they wanted and they have to go back to the postings for the next round.

Anyway, last night was extra special in that a really negative teacher from my building was strongly encouraged by the union and district administration TO PLAY at TD due to the trouble she was in and causing at my school. Well, this opened her position, which started the ripple effect and thrust many colleagues district wide to reassess strategy and decisions were made in instant emotional charged moments.

I had not planned to go, but got a text from my best Art Teacher Friend saying that negative teacher jumped to another school. She was ecstatic! Everyone was. But this meant new dramas were to unfold and as the night went on, my posse was wearing out so I offered to bring nutritious snacks in the form of Mt. Dew, Coke, and cookies. The orders came pouring in and I was off the Kwik Trip for some Big Gulps.

I stayed for about 45 minutes. I am telling you, once you enter TD it pulls you in with incredible force and you just have to watch in horrid fascination. I watched my school turn into a very different beast, but left after the second round was only just beginning so the drama was far from over.

I made sure to really attend to all the feelings I had as I drove out of sight.

I miss my friends so much. I still see them and we still have time together, but I miss seeing them day to day and being part of their professional lives.
I was glared at by the administrator who was responsible for me quitting my admin grad program.
I had a visceral reaction seeing two of the dumbest, bitchiest special ed administrators joined at the hip whispering and sniggering.
I was sickened and disgusted by the process by which teachers are forced to find agreeable assignments for the next year.
I was sickened by how this process turns good people in to waling, rumor spreading, very base and dirty fighters. We turn on each other in this environment.
Given that two of my strongest-support-the-EBD-kiddos classroom teachers left to grades I do not work with, I cannot imagine next year without them supporting my program and kids.
It is time to move on.

More about that in tomorrow's post.

Yes, faithful readers, I am jumping off the fence of indecision!

Sad State of Affairs, Personal, Local and Otherwise

2010-04-13T09:15:00.000-05:00

Wow. What a weekend. Unmedicated Movie Man was quite the trip as he tried to get his biography done. His wonderful teacher allowed him to put it in movie format, but unmedicated he got so distracted by every single flashy phase in and out, spinning words and photos, sound effects that after three hours he still had only one frame done. GRRRR!
Anyway, it was done by 9 PM Sunday evening.... and this is after sitting with him one-on-one, lots of yelling, bribery, snacks and breaks.... Anyone else living like this? How do you do it??

I am so distracted by what is going on in public education this morning that I cannot think straight. So pardon my babbling.

I simply do not understand how our federal government can continue to spend billions on bailing out car makers, bankers, insurance companies and also pay for a war that will net no outcome worth the billions (not to forget the lives!) spent, and NOT throw some well deserved money at struggling school districts. I just don't get it. I thought this administration understood the importance of education? I voted for this administration. I want a call from the White House. I want to talk to Arnie and then to the President. I will spare you what I would say as you all would say the very same things.

I have been filling my hours in immobilizing angst. Although I signed my contract to go back next year, I am not sure I can do it.

Here is the latest report from my old room.

Two of the most damaged kiddos rebelled horrifically to the points and levels. One is now starting fires at home and suspensions for the year have exceeded 20 days ( this is a 5th grader, people!). One is out until midnight every night and cannot function at school... has done ZERO school work all year. this is not an exaggeration. Nothing.

OK, so are the adults rethinking how they are treating the kids? Are the adults at school rethinking their methodologies?
Oh, they are! The district hired another educational assistant to be one-on-one with one of the boys to keep the two apart! Can you stand it?

They did not adjust any other variable. They did not get rid of the points or levels. They did not suspend the academics and provide activities that help kids like them get re-regulated. They did not try to build relationships. They did not rearrange the daily schedule to ensure those two kids got what they needed so they could then even entertain the idea that school might be an OK place to be for 7 hours a day.

Nope, what they did was put 100% onus on the children to be different and to conform. The kids pushed back and won. Another year lost. Now they both face alternative placements in self contained programs made of much of the same.

Another kiddo who lived in an incredibly abusive home... I mean horrific.... was removed over the summer and is doing really well! He is happy, productive.

But guess what? Social Services is putting him back with his mother!!! This woman is mentally ill, mean, evil, and there is no way she is ready to have her kids back. She gets a large chunk of cash when the kids live with her, so she is motivated to play the game with those fat SSI checks dangled in front of her.

One of my girls is growing a mustache.... yep.... she always said she wanted to be a boy. I have had concerns about her all along as she lives in a bazaar world and knows not fantasy from reality. Her mother is as nuts and I wonder now if this poor girl's gender identity issues are at the root of it all. There is no way her mother will ever have an open discussion about her daughter. With anyone.

But the worst of it all is that poor Aunt Sally sits unused in the corner of the room. For a whole year. A wonderful, proven useful and therapeutic tool sits unused for a whole year... while kids are screaming for alternative methodologies, there Aunt Sally sits. Powerless to help.

As am I.

Pleasure Trips and Head Trips

2010-04-09T10:07:00.000-05:00

Sorry to have been away so long. We went to Disneyland with the boys and then I came home sick. Just now feeling up to pondering.

April is Autism Awareness Month. Take some time to google Autism and just pick one thing to read about it and then commit to chatting with someone about Autism. Just a few minutes is all I ask. It is through awareness that those of us with melting down in public kids with autism find more tolerance and acceptance.

I have three things on my mind today.

1. Career

I signed my contract for next year, but am in intensive therapy to determine if I will actually go back. I miss the kids in so many ways, and not so much in others. I miss my colleagues in so many ways, and not so much in others. I so do not miss one single thing about the administration in my building, department or district and in fact things seem worse and more poorly managed now than when I left. And as you all know, when administration is really bad, teachers are immobilized and kids suffer. Do I want to put myself in a toxic place again?

My students have been mismanaged and the mess seems overwhelming at this point. One of my paraprofessionals bought into the whole points, rewards, levels and punitive management style of my replacement and does not seem happy that I signed my contract. I don't feel up to getting her on the right side of the issue and to retrain her to use the strategies I hold dear.

I want to do staff development and consulting as well as work with student teachers so am trying to get that figured out as far as how to get the train loaded and out of the terminal.

2 Spring Break Trip

California was lovely. Disneyland accommodated us nicely. Superman wore his autism t shirt proudly, was able to handle many lines and the crowds. We had him endure the long lines for the most part, but used our persons who need special considerations pass when he was ready to meltdown. It was LOVELY! Flash the pass, go to the head of the line, wait in the shade and without the pushing and shoving of the full on crowd. Thank you Disney! Without that accommodation, so many people could not enjoy all you offer. They understand that if one family member is unable to access the park, then most likely, the whole family does not participate. I realize this is probably financially driven as much as anything else, but it made for a better experience.

What I realized about Superman's life experience is helpful. We learned that if he could live in Mickey's Toon Town, he would. He loves the world of cartoons. He is able to understand pretend while in the world of cartoons. However, when we ventured to Universal Studios where it is all pretend, he could not grasp it and fears and anxieties surfaced. So, if it looks real, even when people are telling him the people are pretending, he cannot wrap his head around it. If it looks like a cartoon, he can internalize it as pretend. Interesting.

The wilder the ride, the happier Superman and Movie Man. Go figure. These are boys with real life anxiety issues that can overpower them in their everyday lives. So, what is it about a really thrilling, jolting, tummy jumping ride in the dark that makes them laugh and smile, enjoy so viscerally?

It is really hard to spend 24/7 in tight airplane space, small hotel rooms, rental car and site seeing situations with three males who are weak in the area of taking another person's perspective. Really, really hard. I am still recovering.

3. Movie Man and Medications

Wow. By day two of the trip, I really disliked my own son as I was experiencing him as a very irritable, angry, explosive kid. This was not my son who until recently had a very sweet disposition. I mean he was physically elbowing us away if we came close, argued about everything. EVERY. SINGLE. THING. And living with what I thought was his new this school year loud and nervous tic-like cough was really annoying. So as Hub drove us through Hollywood, I used my iPhone to revisit side effects of concerta (used to help manage ADD and impulsivity). OMG!

increased cough
irritability
OCD
ODD
sleep disturbances
loss of appetite

So, I discretely show Hubs and we agree, no more meds on the trip. Let's just see what happens. We were afraid. Afraid of how that would effect the trip. Superman is REALLY ADD. He is REALLY quite the airhead. He is hard to get moving and keep moving. That's why he is on meds.

And let me be clear here. If it were not for the medications for the last two years, he would not have made any social or academic gains in school. It is that bad. He is now reading a bit above grade level and was able to catch up in other ways and enjoys friends.

But now we are faced with weighing the pros and cons against each other. So, we get through vacation and observed that with each passing day, the coughing lessened. It is now gone. With each passing day, he was sleeping better and eating everything in sight. With each passing day he became more gentle, less negatively reactive, and more open to affection.

We sent him to school unmedicated when we returned. He is struggling, but he is a sweet airhead, not a combative, exhausted airhead. His teachers are being quite supportive and I am busy trying to find alternative solutions. I am not opposed to trying different medications and I am now reading a very interesting book called, Disconnected Kids. Very interesting and I promise to dedicate a whole blog post about what I am learning. It is fascinating. And it makes sense!

I would love to hear from all of you about what's on my mind. You all have been supportive and insightful and blogging with you has been very beneficial to me due to your feedback, opinions and support.

Determining What Is Best

2010-03-21T10:52:00.007-05:00

I made the trip to a neighboring state to attend and participate in an IEP for Incredible Friend's (IF) son Delightful Boy (DB).

I had many phone conversations with IF in preparation. I was ready to go. I had boned up on strategies, full inclusion models, Down's Syndrome, apraxia, strengths based IEP writing. I was ready. I put my favorite CDs in the car and was there in 3 1/2 hours.

When I first saw IF, who I have not seen in 13 years, I was struck by how small she has become. Was it the burden of her life situation that caused this? She still has a beautiful smile and wonderful giggle. I could tell she was nervous about the meeting. She was also angry and ready for a fight. She believes full inclusion is best for her son and is angry the school has not provided that in a meaningful way.

So, we enter the conference room where at least 5 people are already seated at the table. Not one open, warm greeting was made. It was tense from the moment we walked in. I would venture to guess it was tense before we even parked our cars. You know the kind of meeting. The tension has been building all school year and now here we are. So did it make sense to only schedule an hour for an IEP like this one?

I busied myself looking through some of DB's work samples, making notes regarding purpose, independence level and such. Everyone was finally there and in place, there was no small talk, no attempts to reach out to IF with any sort of warm chit chat to thaw the room, prime the pump for collaborative and cooperative discussion. None.

IF asked us all to put name tags on so I could remember who was who. Thoughtful idea... why didn't the school personnel do that? Introductions started to my left with principal, then sped director who was probably about 12 years old, then social worker, PT, OT, classroom teacher, SLP, parapro, resource teacher, next year's classroom teacher, IF, and me. Originally I was going to state I was a friend and leave it at the that. But after sizing things up I introduced myself as a friend of over 20 years, a special education teacher of 18 years, mother of two special ed children, consultant and parent and child advocate. I wanted them to understand my credentials and knowledge base as well as my intent. So there.

Long story short (for my sake, as there were so many painful moments in the meeting I fear my post traumatic stress disorder will get triggered again). The goals were crap, everyone was defensive, nobody was saying the actual words that needed to be said, and the leadership at the table was ineffective.

About 15 minutes into it when I had to keep reminding those with reports to share to tell me the goal and then report if it had been met or not, I realized we had a larger problem than I knew what to do with.

And being the kind of gal I am, I called it like I saw it. I stated the tension around the table was palatable, that I needed them to describe more clearly what DB was and was not doing. And as reports continued, and as I asked more questions, I became grief stricken, a bit sick to my stomach, and overwhelmed by the task at hand.

I made THE MOTHER of all realizations. DB was lower functioning than I thought. I wasn't sure full inclusion was in his best interest, and now I was in conflict with what IF perceived, believed in, wanted for her truly adorable son. I hammered away at every reporter trying to get a clear picture of DB's independence level.

I began hammering away at the goals as written, because they were ALL academic in nature and poorly written at best.... here is an example. To measure DB's progress in written expression they were using sentence scramble activities.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????? ARE. YOU. KIDDING. ME. !!!!?????

Upon questioning, DB barely writes his name, (low muscle tone and fine motor issues are quite problematic), reads at a K level according to the (Accelerated Reading)AR program they are using.

I will be honest here. I was beginning to feel like I was in an altered reality. I wanted out.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME????? They are focusing on sentence scrambles when DB initiates NOTHING. (Which is common among kiddos with apraxia) How about we start with him using his Vantage communication device consistently? How about we use a more effective and appropriate reading program? How about we help him with self advocacy? How about we help him walk independently from the front door of the school to his classroom?

But, how about we determine WHY he is so dependent? Is it a function of his low muscle tone, does he have debilitating executive functioning issues? Does he know in his head what to do and just cannot figure out how to tell his body to get him there? Or, is this all due to his low cognitive functioning?

How about we focus on his apraxia and spend the bulk of the day teaching him how to communicate? I don't care if he can unscramble a simple sentence. If he can't tell me he has to use the bathroom, or is thirsty, or has a belly ache, I DON"T CARE if he can unscramble a sentence!

I don't care if he is fully included. I don't care. That is the least of DB's worries.

Keep in mind here that I had never laid my eyes on DB, NEVER.

OK, so after 2 hours, we leave the IEP with a date for a reconvene. No goals were agreed upon. Nothing was accomplished other than we had a closer to reality discussion about DB than in previous meetings. I established that I thought life skills and communication needed to be included in the IEP.

Please note that throughout the meeting we had some unprofessional behaviors like eye rolling and side comments... all in front of the parent. Unbelievable. IF got smaller and smaller as the meeting went on. She did not say much. She has lots to say, and it is all important as she advocates for her son.

After the meeting I met DB. He is adorable. He was sitting next to his parapro in his own desk in the back of the room. He seemed oblivious to most of what was going on. He has trouble sitting at a desk due to low muscle tone, I am not sure what they were working on, his peers were mingling among themselves, he responded mostly to IF's camera and the buttons on my electronic keys in my hand. He complied with and was excited by standing with me for pictures. I did not sense any connection with anyone other than IF. He responded to yes and no questions, but without IF there to interpret, I would not have known what his responses were. More time with DB, and I would have caught on. His responses to yes and no were consistent, so he does have some consistent expressive communication. So let's start from there.

IF and I had a nice lunch, we were both worn out, and I used the 3 1/2 hour drive home to process.

Since then, IF and I have had some really difficult discussions. I have had a phone conference with the principal, I have done hours and hours of consulting with other experts, internet searches, gathering information about full inclusion models, cognitive disabilities, apraxia, and parental grief.
I will continue to be a voice for IF. She knows I am not convinced full inclusion is in the best interest of her son, but if that is what SHE believes best for him, I will fight for that. But I am struggling with if she can separate what SHE needs for him and what HE needs for himself.

I get it. Believe me. I get it all. I get the school side. I get the parent side. But most importantly I think I get what DB needs.

And for whatever reasons, he is not getting it.

I invite all of my readers to comment on this one. I need some guidance.

I don't do my best thinking with a broken heart.

Sometimes My Head Is Too Busy And My Heart Too Heavy

2010-03-09T10:36:00.000-06:00

I have come to my desk numerous times since I last posted but end up just staring at the screen.

My head is swimming with ponderings about so many things. When I try to sort them out and categorize them, I can't. They are a jumble of inter-related bits and concepts that I cannot separate. They include all things special education, best practice in general, political points of interest that are not working in effective education's favor, poor school administrators......well, you get the picture. you really do not want to peek inside this head right now.

My heart is heavy on behalf of an incredible friend of many years (and a state away) who is grappling with what is best for her son with Down's Syndrome. She and I have always gotten each other, but now that we have special needs kids in common, it is an even tighter connection and I love her dearly. I admire her beyond words. And as I write today's blog, I realize that is what this blog is meant to be about.

Let me list my other heart heavy issues and I will return to my Incredible Friend's (IF) current battles.

My heart is heavy on behalf of Movie Man. His challenges are great and he surely must be a genius to be experiencing any successes in school.
I am heart heavy when I watch what has happened to my program in my absence, how ineffective public education can be and is in too many cases.
The biggest contributor to my heavy heart is my inability to figure out if I should go back to my old job or cut the cord and move on.

So, back to IF. She and I met as teachers. We taught in the same elementary school. Me as an LD teacher, her as an SLP. I learned a lot from her. We were very dedicated to collaborative co-teaching when appropriate and even presented about our findings at our state board of ed conference one year. It is remarkable that I have not driven her crazy yet. I am a fly by the seat of my pants kind of gal. She is much more precise and thorough. We have differing opinions and practice in some pretty major parenting ways, but we respect each other greatly. She is a true friend. What we have in common is our love for our kids, our belief in our kids, our advocacy for our kids. We understand each other's pain and heartache. We understand each other's rage and frustration. We confide some of our ugliest thoughts about parenting special needs kids. In fact, she is the only one I am completely honest with about the realities of parenting my kids.

Anyway, IF is in the throes of a big battle. Not only with the school, but I think within herself. This is common among those of us with special needs kiddos. This tricky balancing of advocating, wanting our kids to be normal, wanting the world to accept them and accommodate them, with what our kids can really handle and accepting their limits.

This means that we have to abandon (at the very least, adjust) so many of the dreams we had for our kids while they were still safely in our wombs.

So, IF has a 4th grade son with Down's (Delightful Boy). He has significant communication challenges, sensory issues, health problems, and a really crappy IEP team. IF has fought to have her son fully included all along.

But it seems she is at a significant crossroads. It seems that the team has reached its potential and limits. It seems that Delightful Boy has also reached his tolerance level for much of his school day. For whatever reasons. For reasons nobody on his team has taken the fricking time to figure out!!! There has been no systematic analysis. There has been little to no communication with IF about the specifics of Delightful Boy's behavioral changes. The latest communication she got was that Delightful Boy was passing gas in class at a much more frequent rate than in the past.

WHAT??? Are you kidding me?

'And, by the way, Delightful Boy is flatulating a lot.' So, what is IF supposed to do about that? Is it louder, stinkier, accompanied by discomfort, causing disruptions in class, affecting social interactions?

IF has also detected a bit of a conspiracy among the team members... like they are building a case for some argument to change Delightful Boy's placement....nobody is talking.

And then IF gets the IEP invite and on the list was the school social worker, who has never been part of Delightful Boy's team.

OK, that just wreaks of foreshadowing a shoe dropping at the IEP meeting. IF is not stupid, could write meaningful IEPs in her sleep, and knows her rights. The team obviously underestimates her and they certainly are not using her as a resource. It has turned into an us against the parent dynamic and I fear Delightful Boy will get lost in the battle.

It is hard enough for a parent to sort out what their special needs kid needs. But to try and sort it out objectively when you are battling an ineffective team is impossible. You need to be able to objectively consider what is best for your kid...but to remain objective when facing a team you perceive as borderline hostile is impossible. Objectivity is easier when you are sitting across the table from people you know love and care for your kid, who really know your kid and have taken the time to understand him, who believe in your kid.

To sit across the table and develop a meaningful strengths based IEP is absolutely impossible if you (the parent) do not trust the perceptions of the rest of the team. All your energies have to go to advocacy and 'selling' your child's strengths to a group of people shaking their heads in disagreement. Your energies cannot possibly be spent in developing an IEP based on mutual beliefs about the student.

I plan on attending this IEP. No parent should have to face that alone.

I will do all I can to listen objectively to both IF and the worthless team. I will keep Delightful Boy in mind the whole time and I will insist this IEP team address his specific needs and if they cannot articulate in enough detail what his needs are, I will insist they do FBAs and BIPs and reconvene the IEP until they can prove they know Delightful Boy and have a plan to help him grow in his way and in his time.

I hope I don't get escorted out of the meeting for disorderly conduct.

I love you, IF!

And Now We See How That's Working For You

2010-02-26T09:29:00.000-06:00

I am fuming, sad, frustrated, heartbroken, almost speechless.

I met a handful of delightful and intimate friends for dinner last night. Included were a wonderfully gifted 5th grade teacher who does wonders with EBD kiddos, my favorite art teacher and co-writer of Aunt Sally, my favorite 1st grade teacher who is forced to use an inordinate amount of energy warding off her negative 1st grade teammates, and my soul sister educational assistant of 4 years.

We first had a cocktail and chatted about my new status as grandmother. We ordered dinner, caught up and then it started.

The EBD student by student review. I remind you here that my students are on their second EBD teacher this year and the principal decided that the new teacher needed to continue to follow the point and level system put in place by the first replacement teacher this year. You all know how I feel about that.

So I find out that one of my dearest-to-me-students has been hospitalized, has dragged a teacher by her hair to the floor, has done no school work for over three months, ran from school more than once, is living with a mother with so many problems she can't find her way out of a paper bag let alone raise a troubled son, and had to have a manifestation IEP due to 13 days of suspension thus far this year. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? He is in 5th grade!!

So, how's that point and level system working for him?

I then find out that another student is in the exact same boat and escalating daily.

So, how is that point and level system working for him?

We move on to another kiddo who is quite interesting and endearing. Difficult family situation and clearly on the spectrum, but nobody has taken the time to make sure that gets medically or educationally diagnosed so he can access all sorts of resources. Anyway he is flapping, not working as well as he used to and becoming 'belligerent'. I ask how does 'belligerent' look. I get a description that I interpret as a kid on the spectrum trying to communicate a need. I ask about the flapping. They say it is happening in all environments now and throughout the day. I then ask if anyone is addressing this stuff. Here is what I was told.

"The social worker and a few others say he is not on the spectrum because flapping doesn't start this late in age for kids on the spectrum."

HUH? HUH? What? And these incompetents get the last say on the matter?

I remind the group that this kiddo flapped minimally in stressful situations since third grade. That we were able to predict when he might flap and we actively did all we could to help him through stressful situations, thus almost eliminating the flapping. Which means we were teaching him to manage his stress AND we were manipulating the environment to ensure he was stress free thus keeping his mind relaxed so he could be an effective learner.

So then my soul sister teacher assistant (SS) and I get into a debate that was very productive and scary all at the same time. When I find out from best ever art teacher that one of the above mentioned kiddos can draw amazing pictures on an etch-a-sketch! I ask if the EBD room is using that as a therapeutic component. She says to me (and this is what makes me so, so, so, sad because she knows better and this is not her natural style), "When would we have him do that? There is no time. He does no work. We can't reward him for that. He has to be held accountable."

And then she drops the bomb.

The plan is to fail/retain 2 of the above mentioned boys. Give me a minute here. I need to step away from my desk.

What I really want to do is to storm into my school this afternoon and lock the principal in her office and have it out with her. Why is she allowing this to happen?

Now, dear readers, feel free to stop reading at this point and going on to some other more pleasant activity.

1. Level systems and point systems do not work unless they are in place to help extinguish very specific behaviors AND base line data has been collected AND a thorough FBA has been done AND it is deemed to be the only and most effective way to extinguish the behavior AND is short term.

2. The two most significantly challenged boys are responding to the level and point system by pushing back as hard as they can. And they are winning. Turning the screws of the level and point system tighter is causing them to push back harder. Hello?! Anybody paying attention here? Level system tightens, boys act out even more. Tighten more to make those damn boys accountable, and the boys act out even more. Make school life even more intolerable for the boys just to show them who is boss, and they become violent and even more resistant to learning.

3. Shouldn't we allow for some joy in their lives? There is none in either homes. Joy begets joy. Respect and understanding promotes self awareness and a sense of well-being which then allows for learning. Those brains are so shut down now, I fear a whole year has been wasted. Worse, though, is this year has actually caused serious damage and I don't know if we can recover.

4. If kids are not learning, are so angry all they can do is act out, then it is our job to alter the environment to keep them calm, comfortable and able to learn. And just maybe academic learning isn't going to happen for a few months. So what?! Mental health issues are serious contenders and call for prioritized attention.

5. Retaining kids in 5th grade, especially minority boys, increases the likelihood of dropping out of school exponentially. Yeah, we'll show them! They won't take charge of their lives and make responsible choices... let's retain them! What about society and schools making responsible choices on their behalf? How about the adults overcoming their mental health and personal issues without medication and basic care? Just try it!

6. Get that flapping kiddo a descent diagnosis by someone who understands it. Isms (flapping, scripting, other repetitive movements, seemingly meaningless rituals) can surface in a person on the spectrum at any age, at any time and MUST BE ATTENDED TO! They are blatant communication that something is not right.

7. The administrators in charge are idiots, clueless and have dropped the ball. No one is paying attention. Why? Perhaps if I had stayed in my administrative program I would have the answer to that by now.

I doubt it.

My plan? Continue to rant, of course. To buy a few etch-a-sketches and help them find their way into my old room. To meet with the principal with my concerns and discuss my conditions for coming back in the fall. (EEEEWWW! Did I just say that? I guess I did as I am sweating and my heart is racing and I must excuse myself to the bathroom.) No way they can meet my demands.

I have so much more to rant about. I must get on with my day which includes an afternoon in the art room dyeing sheets for Aunt Sally. I am sure to find peace in that. Maybe I could invite above mentioned kids to help out.

Oh, I forgot. They don't deserve any breaks. They haven't done their worksheets for the day!

Field Trip Success and Teachers Who Deserve Medals

2010-02-25T09:21:00.000-06:00

As I mentioned yesterday, Superman had an all day field trip yesterday and although he was not happy about going, I sent him off to school with a cupcake in his lunch hoping for the best, but prepared for a phone call to come get him. I had landline and cellphone with me at all times and did not leave the house.

(Great excuse for a long afternoon read while chicken stock simmered away on the stove.)

So, no pleas to come get Superman came and at 3:25 Superman walked through he door. I asked how the field trip went and he said, "I was so furious!"

Before I go on, let me celebrate with you Superman's appropriate use of a descriptive feeling word. You go, Superman!

OK, so I ask why. He then explains that they practically starved him as he had to wait too long for lunch. And why did his Cheetos taste funny??? (Damn! I was busted for switching to the baked variety!)

We finally got to the content of the day and he actually enjoyed most of it other than making an atom with marshmallows and pretzel sticks. Well, the making was fine. The eating of the atom, not so much. Pretzels are meant to be eaten plain, you know.

About an hour later as I checked my email, there is a long descriptive note from Superman's classroom teacher.

Their stories matched. Sort of. She provided all the behind the scenes bits.

Longer story shorter..... She had packed a bag of activities for the long bus ride. She said she was really proud of herself until she realized she forgot to pack Superman's snack! She spent the bus ride engaging him, did lots of distracting singing and dancing as he grew hungry at the destination. She stuck with him during the entire trip and engaged him again on the bus back.

She deserves a massage.

She deserves a medal.

She deserves daily fresh flower delivery for the rest of the year.

Really. She took Superman with no special ed support! She was willing to give it a try to see what Superman could handle.

But the part of her email that got me all choked up was how she said that SHE learned a lot. That SHE had a better understanding of what it takes for a kiddo with Autism to tolerate and fully experience the world as it is. She was proud of both of them.

And so am I.

Superman's IEP is coming up so we will insert some field trip supports as an all day trip to the State Capitol is coming up as well as an end of the year trip to an amusement park. I believe that the classroom teacher should not be tied to Superman. Her other charges deserve a piece of her too.

Another milestone. Another celebration about something most parents don't have to give a thought to.

Special needs students need to be able to participate in their classrooms, but perhaps more importantly, they need to participate in all the related and enriching activities. To do this, schools need to provide the kinds of supports the kids need to enjoy and benefit from such activities. This means extra personnel, rearranging of schedules, preplanning, teacher training. Maybe even preparing classmates and putting them in helpful roles during the field trip. There are always a handful of mother hen types who thrive on being helpful. Let me be clear here. Special needs kiddos should never be a burden to their classmates. We all need to be mindful of that.

Today I will spend my time continuing reading about recess, homework, and effective school leadership.

Without being tied to the phones.

Boys, Recess, Anxiety

2010-02-24T10:22:00.000-06:00

While I am organizing my ponderings on boys and school, I will share a few quick tidbits that are on my mind.

I have always been more tuned into how boys do in school than how girls do in school. I am well read on the issues girls have in schools and have done my part in sharing awarenesses and modeling current best practice for girls in school. My nieces are exemplary students and I do believe they have found success in their learning in part due to my sister's strong advocacy for them and her knowledge base of girls in school issues as well as he modeling of and involvement in many feminist issues.

I make it no secret I am more comfortable in a room of EBD boys than in a room of girls. I get boys. I advocate for boys. They are losing ground in school. I watched Foodie struggle in school as he got older and I watch Movie Man and Superman struggle every day with what school has turned into. I want to use my remote and press pause. Can we just stop and think this stuff through?

Recess? Although my boys are not athletic, they need recess. They need it to socialize as boys do. They need it to blow the stink off. They need it for relief from what we expect of them in class. They need it to regroup. Superman doesn't socialize at recess. He just wanders and watches. He needs recess to be alone in his thoughts. His Autism necessitates some down time, some noncommunication time. Movie Man needs recess to socialize and cut up. EBD kids need recess to blow, to run, jump, slam against playground balls and each other. You will hear more from me regarding recess as I gather more evidence pro and con. I think this is a very pressing and relevant issue and I intend to set the world straight on this matter.

Poor Superman has had three days of relentless anxiety about the field trip he is taking today. It is an all day field trip and since his sense of time is a bit skewed he was concerned that he would be homesick. I kept reassuring him with validating neutral comments. But late last night it occurred to me that what he means when he says he will be homesick, is that he will miss his routine and all things familiar... smells, activities, his desk, the rooms that ground him, the hallways that lead him to known places.

I am afraid I may not have handled this correctly. I packed him up and sent him off to the field trip. I did put a cupcake in his lunch for dessert... hope that helps....oh geez, now I am teaching him to find comfort in fattening junk food.

My anxiety is reaching new highs as of late. My contract for next year is on the way. I have until April 15 to sign and return. As I write this my heart rate has increased, I am sweating, I just might throw up.

Think it Through, People!

2010-02-19T09:38:00.000-06:00

OK, on the home front I have been pondering a situation regarding a 6th grade fund raiser. Traditionally, the 6th graders get an end of the year trip to celebrate the end of elementary school. A rite of passage thing. They usually go to a nearby water park. It is expensive, so to ensure that all the kids get to go they raise money as a group. I get that. There are many wealthy enough families in our neighborhood that I think a mini scholarship fund could have been started and enough money would be raised. Even though we are on one income this year, we could certainly find a way to throw in a few extra bucks for kiddos in need.

But, no. Instead some go-getter moms with high achieving kids decided to raise money with a knowledge-a-thon. They gave every 6th grader a book of facts this fall. They were told to collect pledges from family based on how many questions they would get right when quizzed in March and to start studying up. What fun, huh? You can study in the car, over winter break, in the toilet, before bed, make it a family affair!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? ARE. YOU. KIDDING. ME?

Did anyone think this through? Did anyone walk in the shoes of every single 6th grader and take their perspective when facing this activity? Where the hell was the building administration when this parent group asked for approval? Where was the voice of advocacy and reason?

Please note this is further evidence that one loses IQ points and the ability to reason when one becomes a school administrator.

How do you suppose kids from poor families feel when there is not a penny to spare for pledging? How do you suppose kids from families where they are the only english speakers will get support? How do you suppose kids from families where the parents work 2nd and 3rd shifts will get support? How do you suppose kids from very dysfunctional families will get support? And now consider the kids with learning disabilities, autism, emotional/behavioral issues, anxiety, memory deficits, recall issues, poor study skills, no interest, lower academic ability.

We just got an email from the classroom teacher requesting 4 parents volunteer to come in on the knowledge-a-thon day and do one-on-one quizzing. So they are going to pull each kiddo out to a quiet place with a parent they don't know and get quizzed. 100 questions will be asked. The kids are scored and then go back to their family members and collect their pledges.

Think about that a minute.

"Hey, Grandma. I am here to collect on your pledge for the knowledge-a-thon. I only got 10 right."

So, not only are they humiliated while being quizzed, they are again humiliated when they have to go collect the pledges if they didn't do so well.

So I excused Movie Man. I will gladly write a check for his admission to the water park and his share of the bus. I will also gladly donate the same amount for a classmate in need.

My quandary now is whether or not to bring this to the administrator's attention once it is all over so this does not happen again.

EVER.

Random Ponderances

2010-02-17T12:05:00.000-06:00

I am back from a week with Foody, his mate Cakes and my new grandson Jupiter. I went solo a few days so Cakes could start a new job. Let's just say I am exhausted and leave it at that. I am hopelessly in love with Jupiter and believe him to be quite gifted at the age of 8 weeks. I secretly did all the 'autism checks' and thus far see no signs of him facing what his Uncle Superman has to.

When I got home, I found myself truly frustrated... no angry... about a school related issue. You know how you can leave a situation that you have accepted as normal and when you return you realize how just plain wrong it is? Well, I am in that space now.

I have long been interested in the issue of homework. I have read many different scholars on the issue including Marzano and Kohn. I have experienced homework as a student, a parent and a teacher, so I figure I have a certain level of expertise here. So, I am compelled to share.

What I remember as an elementary student was not having homework until 5th grade and it was minimal. We were supposed to work on our math facts, but rarely, if ever, had specific homework assignments. I do not remember reading 20 minutes every day. I am a prolific reader as an adult .... but only since early high school. I hated to read when young because it was just too hard... and I now believe it was too hard because I was not developmentally ready to learn to read.

As a special education teacher, even though I feel a sense of urgency for my students who are losing ground every minute due to various learning and behavioral difficulties, I never assign homework to my K-5 grade elementary kiddos. It doesn't seem humane to me. These kiddos expend so much more energy than others just to get through a day of school, why rub their noses in how behind they are by making them revisit what they didn't understand earlier in the day? And many times without support or misdirected parents.

Many schools have already taken recesses away for the sake of cramming more reading minutes in the school day. This disregards all the beautiful research done on the benefits of movement and pretend play. So, let's take away recess and add more homework. Boys in particular are suffering here, people! Just read The Trouble with Boys by Peg Tyre. That will be another post entirely. Stay tuned.

As a parent, I am frustrated beyond belief at the amount of paper my kids bring home. The amount of worksheet bullshit homework they are assigned and the lack of real instruction happening during the school day to provide meaningful background in preparation for homework is disappointing to say the least. And I consider my kids' teachers to be good. One relies a bit too much on the text book-worksheet relationship, but her heart is in the right place, she really knows my kid and she makes meaningful accommodations for his learning disability.

I resent how many evenings are spent re-teaching my kids concepts that should have been taught and internalized to a certain depth before homework is assigned. As a teacher I NEVER EVER assign homework to my students that I am not positively sure they can do independently and that will benefit them by helping to solidify the concept. And you know what? I have plenty of other life lessons to teach my kids. I would like the time to do that. Instead, I find myself re-teaching academics.

And I am always aware of what my students need in a holistic sense.... and for the most part, homework ain't it.

Most of us are in professions where we work our 8-5 work days and try to leave work at work. Our elementary kids should do school from 8-3 and be allowed to be kids, to spend time unencumbered by that dreadful heavy cloud of homework over their heads. It negatively impacts lots of kids and families. There is a developmental time and place for homework and I argue that it is not in elementary school.

All Jazzed Up Again

2010-02-03T09:31:00.006-06:00

Last week, (wow, was that a whole week ago?) my favorite Art Teacher Pal/Dear Friend (DF) and I had a most wonderful opportunity to present all about Aunt Sally to a large group of women who meet once a week to enlighten and enrich their lives by listening to guest speakers and then have tea. These women are all of a mature age, college educated and most seemed monied.

They are a lovely group of 80 women. Yes, 80! Now, DF and I have never addressed a group larger than 30 or so and certainly not a group not currently affiliated with education. So, we tweaked and modified our presentation, decided to bring Miss Mae with us and added a few more slide to the power point. We spent hours putting together our signature take away kit. Putting together 80 of those kits was made a bit more pleasurable as we did the bulk of it in the backseat of my favorite Music Teacher's car on our way to our favorite Girl's night away trip to The Container Store and IKEA.

SO, DF and I pack up Miss Mae (she is delightfully easy to collapse and take) the night before and the next day show up as we were assigned. We were brought a lovely lunch by our hostess and we munched and set up. We were on an actual stage, people! A STAGE with a humungous screen and little microphones...I mean we were high tech and wired for a good time.

The ladies started trickling in, and they were just so lovely. Inner and outer beauty was abundant. Very gracious and brilliant women.

So, we do our presentation, and although DF needs about 5 minutes to become articulate ( she is a gifted gabber, but needs a minute to adjust to being THE SPEAKER), she is an incredible presenter. Our presentation went so well. Well, of course it did. DF and I are exceptional in so many ways. We passed out our kits and taught the lovely ladies to weave kumihimo style. They each got a ziploc with a small foam loom, ribbon attached to a clip and detailed and illustrated instructions. DF did an admirable job on the instructions. She also did the demonstration on an oversized kumihimo loom made out of cardboard while I took questions from the audience. And let me just tell you that the questions were excellent. None were light weight and all were of substance. We were impressed.

So, then on to tea and we were approached, nonstop, by so many lovely ladies with comments, touching personal stories and great suggestions. It was stimulating, gratifying, and gave both DF and I renewed energy and affirmation that what we have done is important.

Here are a few interesting notes I made.

1. No less than 6 women came to me to ask if I thought this would help kiddos on the spectrum. 6 women have a child with Autism in their families and all of them are looking for any strategies to help their loved one along. Autism is certainly an epidemic.
2. A very smart and resourceful woman suggested that we get an old wringer washer to do our dyeing. This is absolutely brilliant! So, if you know of anyone aching to rid themselves of an old wringer washer, please show them the way to me, please.
3. Many of the lovely ladies were very engrossed in the products of their own weaving and had hopes of sharing with others. You could see the resourceful wheels turning in their heads about all the possibilities. It was exciting.
4. A handful of lovely ladies have taken it upon themselves to begin discussion and action regarding finding a loom for one of the kiddos we mentioned in our presentation who has moved on to middle school and no longer has access to Aunt Sally. This is just so amazing to me. Really amazing.
5. One of the lovely ladies is in the middle of dealing with loved ones who are suffering Alzheimer's and cancer and she and I engaged in a discussion about how important using one's hands for good is. She makes dammit dolls for people living in stress. She gives them all away, makes them from bits and scraps of old clothing and such. She is totally into repurposing. She told me she had made and given away almost 50 dammit dolls in the past month. Imagine!
6. Our presentation still brings some to tears. Gotta love that, huh?

Most importantly, I felt smart and confident again. As you all know as of late I have been in a world of turmoil and self doubt sprinkled with a generous helping of self loathing.

So, today I will spend my time searching for calls for presenters at conferences. I will send in proposals even after deadline cutoff dates because you just never know when conference organizers might find themselves short a few interesting presenters. Aunt Sally will not be denied, and I believe her magic will get us speaking gigs where we need to be. She is magic and must be shared.

A Gifted Idea!

2010-01-27T19:06:00.020-06:00

We all like to brag on our kids. All of our kids are gifted.

Superman just came up with a gifted idea (well he actually applied a trick he saw in speech class) and we need to find a way to market it. Mama needs a new pair of shoes!

Superman is prone to very loud protests when not happy. They border on what you all would call temper tantrums. And they are LOUD! OK, in reality they ARE full on temper tantrums. As with most children with autism, feelings are intense and when in them they believe to their core that the feeling they are in is going to last FOREVER. So when it is a feeling of discomfort, they can get pretty wound up and desperate.

We have been working on finding ways to express one's discomfort a bit more appropriately and we are starting with the volume. We have been in this stage for a while. For years. But my little genius of a Superman was able to apply a strategy he observed in speech class as a solution.

Let me set the scene. He was upset about something. He was escalating. He was getting really loud and I reminded him about finding a way to tell me all about it and how he was feeling in a quieter way.

He didn't bite.

He escalated.

It lasted about 15 minutes and I kept saying let's find a way to talk about it without you yelling, that I really wanted to hear all about it and I wanted to help him understand the feelings and then to find a solution. He stopped and said he had an idea and went to his art table. He was busy and quiet for a bit. He then came in the room where I was with the item pictured below over his head.

A thought bubble! Genius, right? I believe he has seen a thought bubble used while in his speech and language class through the Superflex program. I think they have one to express when they are not comfortable with something another is doing, but I am ever so proud that Superman was able to broaden this concept's use.

He said that he could share his feelings this way and that wasn't loud. Thank you wonderful speech teacher and Michelle Garcia Winner for helping kiddos with social thinking difficulties. Our family embraces and uses Superflex and the Unthinkables daily in our home.

OK, the wording is a bit clumsy, but he did it! He then thought it would be a good idea to make more of these feelings though bubbles for other kids to use. He generalized! He has always been fascinated by cartoons and comics with dialogue and thought bubbles and now he realizes what a helpful tool they could be for others like him.

That's right Superman. Make your first money doing something to benefit society.
Good karma, no?
I am so proud, I could bust. But more than that, I am in awe of his giftedness and generosity of spirit in that he wants to help others communicate their feelings by making more thought bubbles specific to others' needs. He is starting to take another person's perspective! This is huge!!!!

Yours are this gifted, too.

It's the Same Sorry Story

2010-01-25T10:21:00.006-06:00

I read a lot of teacher blogs.

I love reading teacher blogs.

I don't feel so alone when I read teacher blogs.

Because the same pathetic sorry stuff is going on in every school district.

Because the same innovative, smart thinking, kick ass teaching and problem solving is going on in classrooms.

Because we all have the same complaint.

And that is (drum roll.....) Administration is the biggest problem we all rage against every day.

I am really trying hard to figure out why that is so. Do stupid, thoughtless, uncaring decisions really have to be made? Where do they originate?

Not school boards. In general, they are uninformed and have no idea how to hold administrators accountable. They actually believe everything administrators report to them at school board meetings.

Not communities. Parents want what is best for their kids. Some don't have any idea what they should expect from their district, some have unreasonable expectations, most have no idea how difficult a teacher's job is. Tax payers don't want their taxes to go up so because of how district administrators present budget issues, they target teacher salaries instead of digging deeper. How many community members know how many employees, other than teachers, it takes to run a district? How many of them know that many of those positions are unrelated and unnecessary to student learning?

Why do so many administrators succumb to management by intimidation? Why?

It seems that administrative teams are full of people in great need of control and power. Not all administrators suck. I am related to a phenomenal administrator who keeps kids as her priority, who is fair, has high expectations for her teachers, is empathic, and has innovative ideas on which she actually follows through. Imagine. I have actually worked with a few like her. It makes all the difference.

We teachers spend an inordinate amount of time in the world of injustices. We see many students suffering through any number of injustices (societal, familial). We live with daily injustices (curricular mandates, budget cuts, hostile work environments, lack of time to think and plan, poor administrative leadership) with mind boggling resiliency. This wears us out. It makes us less effective.

I cannot figure out why it has to be this way.

It is really quite simple.

Let good teachers teach.
Get rid of poor teachers.
Give teachers more time, and less bullshit busy work.
Quit acting like we are a bunch of renegade, irreverent and lazy stupes who need to be led through intimidation and bullying.
We do know what we are doing. And guess what? We want every single one of our kiddos to be effective learners.
You know what else? You don't have to beat us up when kids don't learn. We have already done a great job of that ourselves.

I will continue my quest, dear readers. I am determined to figure this out for us all.

Until then, dear teachers, keep on doing the great work you do every minute of every day. YOU are what keeps so many kids going in their worlds of injustices.

I am clapping and woo-hooing now. Can you hear it?

Changing of the Guard

2010-01-22T12:13:00.000-06:00

Today is ST/RT's last day in my room. She took a job within the district in another area of specialty. Ironically, this position will be cut at the end of the year and she knew that when she took it. ???

In the last few days I have heard more horror stories about her practice and the mess I will return to next fall. I cannot understand why the principal let all this unfold as it has. There are just so many things I don't get about being a member of the Dark Side. Kids have been hurt significantly.

So I have been pondering, as I am want to do, and I decided not to paint anyone in a completely negative light. So I emailed RT with congrats on the new job and wished her well, thanked her for working with the kids. I get back the following.

"Thanks. I am glad things have worked out for you." HUH???

But here is what galls me most about the whole ordeal. The district interviewed teachers to finish off the year in my room. They choose one, she accepts, and then she calls Sped Director to decline. OK. That stuff happens. But the Sped Director NEVER told anyone else!!! So RT and principal are waiting for new hire to show up yesterday to go over details and to pass the baton. No show. They call. She says she notified Sped Director days ago that she was not going to take the position.

HUH????

Are you kidding me?????

So now a last minute sub will have to be called in to the mess.

Oh yeah. That's great for kids.

Kids First!